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Spoons and Knives

8/31/2020

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Many of us are spoons in a drawer full of knives. We wonder why we can't do the same things as others, why we don't fit in, why we look different, why we can't "cut" as well as the other knives. Its because we don't realize we are spoons in a drawer full of knives. 

What I mean by this phrase is that many of us fail to realize the purpose of what we are "meant" to do in life, instead of realizing what we are most capable of doing. The inherent talents we don't realize we have.  Many of us "spoons" watch "knives" do what they are good at day in and day out with such precision, success, and ease it makes us want to be knives too. So the spoon practices and tirelessly sharpens its edges to be more like the knife until its able to cut just like the knife. The tragedy now is the spoon is just a second class knife.  The spoon ruined it's chance of becoming a world-class spoon because it never realized or discovered it was capable of scooping, measuring, or digging. Things the spoon was always capable of doing and excelling at but never took the time to realize because it was trying to be like the knife. 

I use the spoon and knife example to compare how often we try in vain to find our "purpose" because we are either delusional of what our talents are or we try to buy into someone else's idea of who we are and what we should be. We often buy into someone else's idea of what success and happiness are because we never took the time discover it for ourselves...or we were too afraid to try.

Some talents aren't as easily recognized as being great at math, dribbling a basketball, or being able to sing...but the talents that each and every one of us have can be maximized to their potential with great success. Providing not only a great feeling of satisfaction for ourselves, but providing much use and service to others. 

The goal and a true blessing is to be able to discover and cultivate our talents to maximize our potential. Sometimes discovering your talent comes by accident, sometimes its that nagging voice you've always had inside your head (not in a schizophrenic way), or that yearning you've always had to try a particular something. Its not always easy and it may take time, but its worth exploring. The fear shouldn't be of failure, instead, it should be of failing to at least try. I cant think of a justifiable excuse to never at least TRY!

Don't be afraid to try.  Instead, be afraid of living a second-rate version of someone else's life instead of a world-class version of your own.

This is deeper than most of my posts, but it was on my heart.  I felt someone needed this as much as I did when I originally wrote it.

On to the review!!!

Upon first bite, I taste..wow!  These are salty!!!  I taste an overwhelming amount of salt!  As my taste buds begin to settle, I can taste cilantro and onion clearly.  Distinctly.  The remaining flavors of cheese, jalapeno, and garlic kind of blends together in an indistinguishable mish-mash of salty confusion.  Weird thing is, I KINDA like these, but they are just too salty to be taken seriously.

2 outta 5 on the Chip Mack scale. 

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Nightmare on Elm St.

8/18/2020

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Fellas, how many times have you woke up next to your wife or girlfriend and she has an attitude for no reason?  You try to joke with her only for her to reply "Not Funny."  You try to be affectionate, only for her to push you away. 

Guys, if you've experienced this like I have, you too may be a victim of Freddy Krueger giving your girl the dreaded "your man is cheating on you dream"

I've NEVER cheated on a girlfriend in my life, but in dreams?  I've apparently cheated multiple times with countless women.  I can be the best communicator, most caring, most attentive boyfriend ever...yet all it takes is for my girl to hear a song or see an attractive woman from my past in order for Freddy to pay her a visit.

What bothers me the most is why do the "yo nigga cheatin" dreams have to be the most vivid ones? The only time my girlfriend has an extraordinary Steven Spielberg-like imagination is when she's dreaming I'm cheating on her.  Her dream is comparable to a Lifetime movie. And like a Lifetime movie, the cheating dreams all follow the same formula...I'm a nice guy but I'm secretly a scumbag, I wine and dine my fictional mistress by taking her places I take my girlfriend, followed by a vivid love-scene which further convinces my girlfriend I'm really cheating and solidifies her hatred for me when she wakes up.

As of now, I'm not aware of any cure nor a remedy to avoid the dreaded cheating dreams.  The best any of us guys can do is be supportive, understanding, and have the patience to constantly reiterate over and over again  "baby, it was just a dream...I'm not cheating." all day until she gets over it. 

Good luck guys.  Don't feed your girlfriend after midnight and please do not watch a lifetime movie with her before bed.

Anyway...on to the review!!!

Upon first bite, I taste artificial American cheese.  It's quite overpowering.  Initially, that's very disappointing.  As I continue to chew, I taste tomato and basil, but  the flavors taste very artificial.  The flavors remind me of those cheap microwavable pizzas from when I was a kid.  You'll eat it, but it's not the most enjoyable thing.  Overall, decent chip, but they did not meet my expectations.

2.75 on the Chip Mack scale.
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"I'm Safe..."

8/12/2020

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One night during the holidays; me, my cousin Ryan, and my Dad were at my Uncle's house drinking spiked eggnog (those that know me know how I feel about Costco Eggnog) and reminiscing about the days we all lived in the apartment complex my Grandpa owned. 

​Those were some good times!

I left my Uncle's house to head back home about 10 minutes before my Dad.  As I pulled into the garage, I hear a car screech around the corner then see it proceed to hit a speed bump at about 70 mph...launching it into the air.  It was my Dad.  

My first thought was "Damn, Cliff must really need to pee."  Until seconds later when I saw the flashing red and blue lights right behind him. As soon as I saw the cops, I opened the car door, but stayed inside the car as not to be mistaken for a suspect.

My Dad pulls in the driveway and the cops immediately pull behind him to block him in.  My dad jumps out of his car, the cops follow.  They all run circles around his car chasing him like the most absurd game of duck-duck-goose I have ever seen.  One of the cops yelled out "SIR!  WE'RE NOT GONNA DO THIS RIGHT NOW!"  Clifford responded with "I'M SAFE!!! I'M SAFE!!! I'M IN MY DRIVEWAY! Y'ALL CAN'T GET ME!"

I'm staying out of this shit.  I entertainingly watch in disbelief, waiting for guns to be drawn and figuring out how to avoid getting caught in the cross-fire.  It never happens. The cops apprehend my Dad without incident or excessive force.

Once my Father is secured in the back of the cop car, the police walk over to me asking my relationship to the suspect. I tell them he's my Father.  "What the fuck happened?" I asked the police.  "Well, we were parked and we saw your father speeding, flying over speed bumps. We didn't know if he was in trouble or what was going on so we followed him."  Turns out my Dad saw the police car, overreacted, and tried to get away as he thought they would pull him over.  Overreacted is the understatement of the decade.

A few months later, I go to visit my dad in jail.  It's the first time we've seen each other since that night.  My dad still looks pissed.  I pick up the phone to speak to him through the glass. "Hey Dad...how's everything?" He looks at me, takes a deep breath and replies "Son, why didn't you save me?" I say back to him "Save you??? What did you want me to do?"  Without missing a beat he says "Why didn't you use some of that Kung Fu shit."

He was serious.

Anyway...ON TO THE REVIEW!

Upon first bite, I get an amalgamation of flavors all at once.  Immediately the flavors begin to separate.  I taste onion (grilled onion to be specific), meat flavoring, and american cheese.  I'm always amazed at how well Lays re-creates flavors of food items on one potato chip.  The more I eat, the more the flavors become blurred together. I like them.  These chips would go great crushed inside a turkey sandwich with mayo, lettuce, and tomato.  On their own they're just a decent ship.  

3 outta 5 on the Chip Mack scale.





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Flip or Flop (I'ma Fuck You Up)

8/9/2020

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Real Estate agents.  We all look the same in our pictures.  Nice, approachable, professional.  Pictures can be deceiving!  

A few years back, I opened escrow on a cute little house with some first-time buyers I was representing. Before submitting the offer, I contacted the listing agent (we'll call him "Steve") to introduce myself and build rapport.  Building rapport between agents initially goes a long way.  At some point during the transaction something inevitably goes sideways requiring cool heads and teamwork between the Buyers, Sellers, and their agents to find an amicable solution.  You'd be surprised how many Real Estate transactions fall apart because of emotions and hard to deal with personalities!

Steve was a young, brand new agent.  These new agents watch too many Real Estate reality shows and get inspired to enter the business.  They usually don't last long because they love the intensity of getting a deal done.  That shit is for tv...as he would soon learn form me.

When I presented an offer to buy Steve's listing on behalf of my clients, Steve suggested we cross-qualify with his lender.  A cross-qualification is where the Buyer's lender submits all of the documentation used to qualify the Buyer to the Listing Agent's Lender.  That way the Listing Agent can ensure the buyer can secure the loan.  Anything can be written on paper, a cross-qualification shows proof the Buyer can deliver on what was offered.

Y'all know my preferred lender is my sister, Tanya.  She's my lender not because she's my sister, it's because hands-down she is the best lender I know.  She's successfully obtained home loans for people even I doubted they could qualify, let alone purchase.  

Tanya immediately reached out to Steve's lender providing him with everything requested of her.  The next morning I get a phone call at 7 am from Steve yelling "I don't know what fucking game you're playing but HURRY UP AND SEND ME WHAT I NEED TO CROSS-QUAL YOUR BUYERS.  YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME!" I calmly told Steve to let me check what happened and I'd call him back.

I called Tanya to verify she sent everything.  She told me Steve called yelling at her as well. Tanya was pissed!  I told her "Tanya, let's just stay calm and do what's best for our clients. We've dealt with assholes before.  We'll get this closed.  That's the important thing."  I called Steve back.  I asked him to check his SPAM folder. He found everything he needed from Tanya in his SPAM folder.  All he had to do was check his email thoroughly.

Steve apologized and said he was sorry for blowing up at us.  I told Steve there was no reason for any of that. I responded "We have a long escrow ahead of us, Steve.  We have to work together,  If there is ever an issue, please call me anytime and I promise we can work out a solution together.  Amicably.  We both want the same thing for our clients.  The Sellers want to sell, the Buyers want to buy.  Let's not get in the way of that."  Steve agreed and thanked me for my "years of knowledge and experience." 

My guard was still up.  Ego stroking...I see right through it.

A couple of weeks went by and everything went relatively smooth, until the appraisal came in $10,000 under contract price.  That meant $10,000 less for Steve's sellers.  Steve called me, obviously upset.  I told Steve not to worry, we can still get the deal closed.  We have no control over an appraiser's report, but there is a solution where we can continue with closing the deal.

Steve, out of nowhere told me to 'SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

I was at home. Barefoot and in basketball shorts. My heart started beating fast.  My face got warm. I got out of my office chair...stepped into my flip flops, grabbed my car keys, and asked Steve "Where would you like to meet so you can shut me the fuck up?  Let's meet in your office parking lot so you can shut me the fuck up.  I can be there in 25 minutes.  Please come shut me the fuck up."  I headed out the garage door.

"TODD...OH NO!  I'm sorry man!  I had a long day. I'm going through a lot!  I didn't mean that!" Steve shrieked through the phone.  

I told Steve "Look, player...you see my happy face on my cards and ads.  You hear my nice and cordial voice when we speak.  Don't get it twisted.  I'm still a man.  You're not going to speak to me any fucking way you feel like.  Right now, your emotions are getting in the way of you selling your client's home.  Don't let your ego get in the way of that.  I can let this go as long as it doesn't happen again"

Cooler heads prevailed.  Steve agreed to lower the purchase price to the appraised value and we successfully closed the deal.  I added Steve to my list of  DO NOT WORK WITH AGENTS.  He was entry number 7.

ON TO THE REVIEW!!!

I open the bag and take a whiff, smells like smoky bacon.  Upon first bite, I get a smoky flavor of fried chicken skin.  Not much heat initially, but the heat builds very slowly as you proceed through the bag.  The heat stands alone as it has no flavor of pepper or spices.  Your'e aware of the heat from a distance,then it creeps up on you with every bite.  One you hit the half-bag mark...BOOM...the heat is in your face.  Staring eye-to eye with you like that Hall and Oates album cover.  Still, with all that being said, these are not overly hot at all.  The heat builds, dissipates, the builds again.  Very enjoyable even if you don't like "hot chips."  These remind me of the old school BAKEN-ETS hot and spicy pork rinds that have been around forever.  I enjoyed these.

4 outta 5 on the Chip Mack scale.

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"C.H.i.P.S"

5/22/2019

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Man, when I was a kid "C.H.i.P.S" was my favorite show!  I used to love watching Ponch and John bust arsonist biker gang kidnapping rings on their motorcycles by day then take random hot 70's chicks out for a night of roller disco.  This happened damn near every episode.  It screwed my young mind up because I thought when I became an adult, my days too would be filled fighting crime and nightly disco parties with Gary Coleman and Jane Kennedy.  I pictured adult Todd waking up every morning eating a healthy breakfast of eggs, toast, orange juice, and coffee (because that's what everybody ate for breakfast on tv) made by my wife Irene Cara.  After breakfast, I'd hop in whatever sports car I felt like (Knight Rider, probably) to go fight crime.  Not just fight crime, but really get into some shit.  Jumping out of helicopters to save a family that went over a ledge, get in a shootout with flamethrower-toting thugs that planned on tainting the city's water supply, or get into a full-fledged fist fight at the roller disco.  I never imagined adult Todd would wake up to an action-packed morning of property profiles, emails, and disclosures that need to be DocuSigned.  

Don't get me wrong.  I'm blessed!  I'm healthy, happy, and am always honored to be a part of people making their dream come true through ownership of property. I enjoy selling houses, but there's still a huge part of me that yearns for that daily adventure I dreamed of as a kid.  Adventure to break up the daily monotony of sitting in front of a computer screen by myself all day.  Maybe I'll hang glide to my next home inspection or get into a laser fight with a home appraiser that doesn't give me that value I need. I don't know.  I'll figure something out.

On to the review!  These are not what I expected at all.  Most lime chips are acidic. Vinegary. Tart. The lime flavor on these chips have an artificial almost "cartoony" taste.  It totally works on these chips!  I'm not usually a fan of lime chips unless they are balanced with chile. The spicyiness cuts the tartness.  With these chips, you get all of the lime flavor without the sour tartness.  The salt makes it so that the artificial lime flavor isn't too sweet.  Surprisingly, these are really good.

3.5 outta 5 on the Chip Mack scale.
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Psychic Player Haters Network

5/2/2019

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Don't ever ask for dating advice.  Especially when you're currently in a relationship.  Especially when you're currently in a relationship and you've been drinking heavily.  Especially when you're currently in a relationship and you've been drinking heavily...at the Puerto Rican Festival.

I'm not Puerto Rican although I get mistaken for one from time to time.  Puerto Ricans and Creoles are very similar.  From our close-knit extended families, to our unique ethnic mixes, to our pride for our culture.  Needless to say, attending the Puerto Rican Festival every summer was always a great time!

My ex-girlfriend and I decided to meet her family at the Puerto Rican Festival in San Dimas.  Sounds of merengue music filled the air, the smell of tostones frying filled our nostrils, and beer flowed freely.  Too freely, as my girlfriend at the time was a lightweight, and wasn't the most jovial of drunks.

As all of us were sitting around the campsite laughing and drinking, the beer goggles must have gave my girlfriend the eyes of an eagle.  Far across on the other side of the park was a tent that read "Psychic Readings."  We all saw her eyes light up.  Her sister begged her not to go as she knew psychics wouldn't always tell you something positive.  Her sister didn't want the family outing ruined. I guess her sister was the real psychic because that's exactly what would shortly happen.

As she made her way toward the tent, I sat in suspense waiting.  A feeling of anxious curiosity welled up in my stomach.  After what felt like 2 hours, she made her way out of the tent.  As her silhouette grew closer, I could see her eyes were bloodshot red.  I asked her how it went.  She hit me in the chest.  She proceeded to yell at me, asking me "who the fuck was she talking about?" Puzzled, I tried asking her what she meant.  The psychic told her I was cheating on her and we wouldn't be together much longer.  I wasn't, I've never cheated on anyone.  Although the psychic was correct about a few things.  The psychic accurately predicted we wouldn't stay together (no thanks to her) and foresaw that my girlfriend wouldn't be working her current job the distant future (she went on to become a hairstylist).  Her sister also accurately predicted the family outing would be ruined.  Man, that was a long, awkward drive home!

Anyway...on to the review!!!

Upon first bite, I get the tangy sharp bite of cheddar with a mellow, under note of a very slight essence of hoppiness familiar in most beers.  The cheddar is the headliner of this chip, They taste like an extra tangy regular cheddar chip.  Pretty good, but nothing special.

3 outta 5 on the Chip Mack scale





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Yo Daddy Finna Get Perfect-plexed, Brother

5/2/2019

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Play wrestling is a part of a normal, healthy relationship.  It's fun. Cute.  Playful.  Usually romantic.  Unless you're 19 years old and have the burning desire to win at all costs.

It all started so innocently.  My girlfriend put me in a playful headlock.  I laughed and explained to her how she didn't want this smoke.  Her being a college athlete at the time and super competitive, squeezed harder.  Me being hella competitive as well and growing up watching hours of Koko B. Ware suplexing wrestlers on their heads prepared me to more than hold my own in this impromptu match of speed and stamina vs brute strength and technique.

I reversed position from her vice-like headlock.  She jumped over me.  I grabbed her, but she was able to free herself and take my back.  I struggled, but managed to flip her off of me.  I went for the pin, but she wrapped her legs around my head and squeezed.  I squirmed.  I flailed my arms. The pressure had me seeing stars.  I thought I was out for the count...until with my last bit of remaining strength grabbed her ankle, removed it from my neck, and swung her onto the couch.  I attempted the pin again, but she was too fast...too cunning.  Riki Tiki Tavi over here then put me in a bulldog front headlock. No way could I let her win.  I've watched too many WWF matches on t.v.  I picked her up, executed a text book northern lights suplex (on the couch cushions), and finished her off with an inside cradle.  Your boy pulled off the victory by the slimmest of margins!

My girlfriend was not a gracious loser.  Dejectedly, she called me a jerk and said she was gonna tell her Father on me.  I knew her Dad didn't really like me because he still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend.  I told her in my best Hulk Hogan voice "Look here, brother.  Your dad, his dad, your neighbors dad, Crawdad...they can all take a ride on the Collins express anytime they want!  But it's a one-way ticket, brother!"

She didn't like that. 

Oh well...on to the review!

Upon first bite...I taste that beautifully executed vinegary dill pickle flavor cradled by that unmistakable spicy savory flamin' hot heat that made Cheetos so popular.  These are very simple, but amazing!  My new favorite flavor at the moment.
 
5 outta 5 on the Chip Mack scale
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If My Homies Call...

12/5/2017

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Man, I miss my niggas. There's something to be said about the relationship between a group of guys that are friends from boyhood to the transition of manhood.  From getting into fist fights over the philosophy of how much sugar to put in Kool Aid, to driving out to a hood 45 minutes away at 1:00 AM to pick up your boy so he didn't have to sleep in his car or get a DUI because he got too drunk while out on a date with a chick and she wouldn't let him in her house. So many memorable moments together! 

The time one of us hollered at some chicks while in traffic on the 101 freeway which led to a drunken party out in Northridge.
 
The times we always had to get separated when walking in the mall or at an amusement park because we rolled too deep. (We had big, very close group)

The time I had a kick back that summer in high school that turned into an all out party, and I kicked y'all niggas out at 4 AM, only for y'all to return and wake me up at 7 AM to inform me "it was too hot outside" because unbeknownst to me y'all niggas literally slept outside on the curb. 

The time we got pulled over by the police for doing donuts on Madison when one of y'all niggas decided to open the door and hang out the car...while still doing donuts in the middle of the intersection. Then with a straight, angry face complain to the officer that he only pulled us over because we were Black.  You know you almost got us all arrested, right?   

The time we went on a double date and one of y'all niggas took one for the team without complaint. I mean you REALLY took one for the team. You'll always be the MVP for that one. (You know what I mean)

The time when I was driving home from work and had to pull over for a high speed chase, only to recognize the two vehicles involved and it's occupants were indeed y'all niggas. (I got the hilarious story later. Nobody was hurt nor were charges pressed.)

To the times when we were there for each other as we got older.  Whether it was to support each other through loss, or to celebrate each other's victories. All of these experiences bonded us all for life.  I'll never forget them!

As we get older, many of us move on.  We get married and start new families.  We start careers outside of the areas we grew up.  We have never ending responsibilities that pull us in various directions.  Friendships inevitably are affected.  Those that know me know how much I value friendships.  Regardless of how much time or distance separates us, I always make it a point to keep in touch.  Best believe whenever I hear the song by 2pac "If My Homies Call"  y'all and all of those memories come flooding back to me with a smile on my face.  Every time.

And like the song says:
"If you need, need anything at all
I'll drop it all for y'all, if my homies call"

Anyway on to the review! These chips are incredible!  Upon first bite, I get a strong flavor beefy flavor supported by the perfect blend of savory, sweet onion flavor.  Almost as if there is steak sauce on the chip without being overpowering.  The beef flavor is still the star on this chip.  It may be psychosomatic, but I can almost taste the fatty burnt ends of a steak on this chip.  Everything from the texture to the perfectly balanced flavors are done with amazing precision.  I didn't think I'd like these as much as I did.  An excellent chip.

5 outta 5 on the Chip Mack scale

* (Even though we are group of Black, White, and Mexican friends that found a common interest and brotherhood with each other; I've always called y'all my niggas.  I don't use that word as much anymore for various reasons, but for us and the intents and purposes of this blog...y'all are my niggas.  I know we're all on the same page with that.)

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You Name It!

11/17/2017

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I got these from my cousin Tatianna while she was passing through London.  What an awesome surprise! She and my cousin Jared (aka Leland aka "Light skin Fury") have always been super  supportive of the Chipmack.  Whether it was driving a few hours from San Diego to Hollywood to see my comedy shows, driving up on the holidays in traffic to spend time with all of us in a city 80 miles away, or taking the time to ship potato chips across the globe...it has all been super appreciated. Thanks so much you two! 

On to the reviews!

PRAWN COCKTAIL : 
Upon first bite, these are NOTHING what I expected taste like!  I get a strong lemon-y, sweet acidic bite supported by a savory tomato essence with a subtly spicy finish.  No hint of salty, briny, fishy, sea like tastes anywhere. Not even a little bit, but it works superbly!  I see where they were going here. The played up the cocktail sauce flavors opposed to accurately re-creating a shrimp cocktail flavor. Smart move. It works!

PAPRIKA:
Upon first bite, I get a strong, dank, green type flavor.  These taste like collard greens...with the ham hock still in it.  No shit. Weird.  They should've just named these "Granny's Greens Flavor" and called it a day. Not a bad chip, but nothing what I expected. If they called this flavor "Greens and Cornbread " they'd have nailed. But because they didn't,  I'm taking off points. Damn, now I got that song in my head (I got beans, greens , potatoes, tomatoes...you name it!).

PRAWN COCKTAIL gets 4 outta 5 on the Chipmack scale. Clear winner! 

PAPRIKA gets 2 outta 5 on the Chipmack scale.
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Lady, We're In Public!

8/16/2017

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In the year 2000, 23 year old Todd found himself working at Sears Homelife selling furniture, mattresses, and accessories. It was an ok job, but could get pretty slow and monotonous during the week. Salesmen such as myself lived for the weekends! That's when we get the most traffic. Being that the store was HUGE, It wasn't rare to have a couple hundred people at one time in the store on a busy Saturday.

One such Saturday, while working in the mattress department, an absolutely gorgeous Filipina lady walks in looking like she just walked out of a fitness magazine. You can feel the tension as she walked by married couples en route to my section. Husbands were getting dirty looks from their wives while trying not to stare. She was wearing only a sports bra and tights (now known as leggings in 2017). She looked like a fitness model or something. Big ol' implants, abs, ass, quads... t'was crazy!

Being the professional I am, I wasn't fazed. Although I'm sure I mumbled "GOT DAMN!" under my breath as I approached her.

ME: "Hi welcome to Homelife, my name is Todd. Looking for a mattress today?"

HER: "Hi Dodd. Yes I am. I'm all alone and hab no boyfriend."

Then shit gets weird. I shit you not... she proceeded to lay on the bed and began to gyrate. She asks me to lay down with her. I'm like "Lady, were in public. There's a family with kids right over there." I point over to the family looking at us as they quickly usher their kids over to the bunk beds.

She then sits up on the bed Indian style and asks if I have a girlfriend. I thought I was on a freaking hidden camera show! I extinguish the fire in her loins and proceed to sell her not only the mattress, but some kitchen furniture and candle holders.

I don't know what the fuck she drank for her pre-workout, but I'm sure Bill Cosby would pay millions for the formula.

Anyway, on to the review! I can't stop thinking of that punk ass movie of the same title from the 90's with Jessica Tandy as I'm eating these. Upon first bite, I taste a tangy spicy "green" flavor that I can't quite figure out. Almost like jalapeño without the heat. I guess the tang I taste is supposed to be the sauce on the fried tomatoes shown on the bag. These have a deeper, more complicated flavor profile than I imagined. I can taste the green tomato flavor while the flavor and texture of the potato lends itself to providing a fried cornmeal flavor. Maybe its psychosomatic, but they taste exactly how the picture on the bag looks. Really good! 4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.
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Konichiwa Muthafucka

8/16/2017

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Being of mixed heritage, I have people of all different shades and colors in my family. I was blessed to be raised with all kinds of friends from a multitude of races and cultures. Color never affected who I chose to befriend or date. If I ever brought a girl home to introduce her to my family, I was never worried that there would be any awkwardness or meet the disapproval of my parents.

One Friday afternoon when I was 17 years old, I brought over my girlfriend at the time that happened to be of Vietnamese heritage. I introduce her to my mom and we head into the kitchen because I was gonna make her some tacos then head out to a football game. Fun Friday, right? Well, when my stepdad walks in and I introduce her, this dude bows to her and asks:

"Hi! You like here?"

HOLY... SHIT. My heart fell into my stomach and I yell "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? SHE'S FROM HERE!!!"

My girlfriend laughed, my mom scolded him, I was embarrassed, my step dad was befuddled. Man, I was pissed! Luckily my girlfriend at the time thought it was hilarious. Although I was mortified, I understood what happened. My step father worked at the University of Southern California. Most Asian people he came into contact with were students from outside of the country. He meant no harm or disrespect. Anybody that knows him will say he has a heart of gold and doesn't harbor any prejuduce whatsoever and I can vouch for that. With that being said, I still hold my breath when we're out at a Chinese restaurant and it's his turn to order.

Anyway, on to the review! These are amazing! Upon first bite I get flavors of beef, cumin, cheese, and sour cream all at once. These taste JUST like the tacos my momma makes. The American orange grease running down your fingers version of the taco. I swear I can even taste the lettuce. If these don't win the flavor contest this year I'll know the system is rigged. 5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.
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Mamasaymamsamamakusa

6/15/2017

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​I never knew what a "masala" actually was. The only masala I knew was that movie with Denzel Washington and that sometimes cute, sometimes kinda not so cute chick that came out in the 90's. It was a tale of two cultures coming together in the most unlikely of places under the most unlikely of circumstances.  I don't know, I've never actually watched the movie. I've only seen bits and pieces in my late night channel flipping hoping to catch a love scene or something. As I've mentioned before,  catching a glimpse of a titty for a kid in the 90's could make your weekend. We had to take what we could get in the pre-internet age.

Anyway, I actually had to Google what "masala" actually is. According to Wikipedia,  masala is defined as "either a combination of dried (and usually dry-roasted) spices or a paste (such as vindaloo masala) made from a mixture of spices and other ingredients—often garlic, ginger, onions, chili paste and tomato."

As I open the bag and take a whiff,  it smells like armpits (chili powder). Upon first bite,  they taste like armpits.  The aroma was probably still in my olfactory glands.  Either way, it wasn't off-putting enough for me to not finish the tiny bag.  With each bite I get more garlic and pepper flavors with a barely noticeable hint of tomato to tie the two flavors together. Not bad. Not good...kinda like the movie. I'd eat them again if there were nothing else. 

3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale 
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Honey Love

5/17/2017

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​I'm finna take this time to tell y'all about my first love. My first crush. It was 1983. 5-year-old Todd was at home watching tv. Back then, we only had 7 channels to choose from. 2 (KCBS), 4 (KNBC), 5 (KTLA), 7 (KABC), 9 (KJLH), 11 (KTTV), and 13 (KCOP)...and yes, I still know these by heart! As usual in my house, the music show "Solid Gold" was on. Although Marilyn McCoo was a freak in her own right, I would soon lay eyes on the lady that stole my heart, Irene Cara. Singing her hit from the movie "Flashdance" I couldn't take my eyes off the screen! She was gorgeous! I knew that she'd be my wife when I got older. I had it all planned out.  She'd be at home with the kids and I'd see her every day as soon as I landed from my intergalactic missions fighting crime while piloting my spaceship then using kung fu once I landed to beat up the bad guys. I hadn't yet learned there was no major for that occupation in college. Every time I'd hear the song "Fame," "Flashdance," or I saw her on tv I'd be in a trance.  We didn't have Google back then. I actually had to wait until by chance she'd pop up on the tv. Our love lasted until Vanity hit the scene, but Irene will always have a special place in my heart. 

Anyway...HOLY SHIT! These chips are incredible.  By far the best chips I've had in a while!  I didn't know what to expect,  but these exceeded any expectation I had.  Upon first bite, I simultaneously get a sweet over note not of the typical honey flavor I expected, along with a savory-buttery flavor that hits my palate all at once. That's very unique.  Typically I get one or two flavors gradually in quick succession.  Not these. I actually exclaimed "wow!" out loud as soon as I bit into these. They taste similar to the warm buttermilk biscuits from Kentucky Fried Chicken but more savory. Perfectly balanced!  The flavor scientists at Frito Lay are geniuses.

Very strong 5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale. 

(As a bonus, you can see the Solid Gold clip that stole my heart HERE)
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Gran's Praline Pan

3/8/2017

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"Clifford! I told you not to take my Goddamn pan to work on your cars! I want my shit back...Goddammit."

My Gran was no joke. A hilarious lady that loved to laugh and was extremely was fun to be around. Just don't mess with her stuff! My dad took her pan that she used to make pralines with because it made the perfect vessel to drain motor oil, transmission fluid,  and any number of toxic/flammable fluids that came out of a car.

I witnessed the following when I was 13 years old while visiting my Gran during a break from school.

My dad replied "Momma, I'ma give you your pan back. I'm just borrowing it. Shit!" Gran shot back, "Don't you understand I can't use it once you put all that shit in there. People gotta eat outta that!" To which my father responded, "I told you I'ma clean the Goddamn thing! Momma (Unintelligible)...shit!" She never used that pan again.

I laugh everytime I think about that memory.  I can recount countless more stories with similar dialogue that my father and his mother had over something he did, didn't do, shouldn't have done, was gonna do, or she thought he did. 

I love that lady! I still miss her as if I lost her yesterday.

When my father passed away, one of the first things I made sure to keep was that praline pan. Everytime I use it to drain my motor oil, I feel like my father and my Gran are still with me. I can still hear that argument and remember the many times my dad and I used that pan to work on my cars together.

Looking at that pan, you'd think it's not very valuable. It just so happens to be, by far,  one of the most valuable things I own.

On to the review! These chocolate covered Lay's have been around for some time. I've had them before a few years prior, but only tried a few. I now have a bag all to myself!  Upon first bite, I get the bitter taste of dark chocolate accompanied by the salty muted crunch of the potato chip. The chocolate is coated pretty thick! The chocolate is so thick,  that it changes the texture of the chip,  making the crunch much less potent. Not bad. Definitely something different.  These would make an awesome movie theatre snack!  If you're a chocolate lover, you'd love these.

4 outta 5 on the Chipmack scale.
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In The Life Of A Mack

11/30/2016

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Man, being a lightskinned 16 year old with an S curl old in the 90's was fun! Brothers like Christopher Williams, Al B. Sure, and Garfield from Shai kept yellow dudes such as myself just en vogue enough to reap the benefits of catching a young lady's eye.

Unexpected intricately folded love letters left in my back pack. Packs of girls running up asking very specific questions about a girl I liked, but didn't know she liked me until all of her friends blew her secret by ambushing me with questions.  Impromptu "scamming" requests from the cute hyna with lip liner and her thong showing from her body suit.

EXT. BEHIND SCHOOL GYMNASIUM  GYM - DAY
Lissette (Flaca): "Wanna scam?"
Young Todd: "Um, yeah, I guess."
(Starts kissing)
END SCENE

If you can't tell by reading my other posts, I can get quite sentimental about the past. It's only because I cherish those times and the lessons they taught me.

In High School, I learned about dealing with the opposite sex. What respecting them and myself really meant.  How to communicate and share honest feelings. Learning how to run "game" so that not only would I know when it was being ran on me, but so I would know it wasn't necessary to be ran on anyone that I genuinely had feelings for. To this day I've never been much of a game player,  but I know the game initimately. I chose not to play it. After all, you can't find what you're looking for unless you know exactly what you don't want

Now,  as a grown man, I think it's vital that every young man have those experiences.  Never forgetting that lil chick that is really digging you is somebody's daughter, somebody's sister, somebody that is loved by someone else very much. Learn to "play the game," but not at the expense of your dignity or someone else's.

After being in the "game" so long, it can be hard knowing when to get out. Always being on the hunt for someone prettier, more fun, smarter, or with a bigger booty gets old. It gets old surprisingly quick. When that's all you know, it's hard to break a conditioned way of thinking. A conditioned way of being. Know what you want and never compromise that, but don't let wanting more compromise your future.

On to the review! Upon first bite; I get a deep, rich, savory, buttery, herby, chicken flavor all at once.  That's rare because typically a flavor presents itself initially, followed by secondary or base flavors that provides the chip's balance.  These chips are like a bomb filled with all the flavors of Thanksgiving went off in my mouth in the best way possible!  These could be released as a Thanksgiving flavor and people would love it! Strong poultry flavor with an obvious blast of thyme and rosemary hit the palate immediately.  Perfectly balanced and done extremely well! 4.5 outta 5 on the Chip Mack scale.
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Brazilian Bbq Bonanza

8/7/2016

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What's not to love about Brazilian bbq? A variety of grilled meats brought to your table until you tell them to stop. Every meat lover's dream!

Unfortunately, Lay's messed these up.  Chimichurri is a sauce native to Argentina. Authentic Brazilian style picanha is usually only seasoned with rock salt then grilled over an open flame. I've never asked for chimichurri sauce nor have I seen it at a Brazilian Churascaria (although I'm sure they have it). If you need it, your steak is probably wack, which means you're at the wrong restaurant.

These chips are really weird. Upon first bite, the mismash of flavors that lay lazily on my tastebuds are hard to explain. All the flavors kind of blend together into one virtually indistinguishable flavor. As I keep eating them (they're still kind of addictive) I'm able to barely discern "green" flavors. There you go, these taste very "green." Exactly what you'd imagine green to taste like. I taste oregano, parsley, and a bitter leafy green flavor almost reminiscent of kale. Buried beneath all that "green" flavor is an extremely subtle beef flavor.  While these are still pretty good and somewhat addictive (probably all the msg), I was disappointed because the flavor could have been closer to what was advertised on the bag. Needs more beef flavor, less herb.  2.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale
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You Ain't Gotta Go Home...

7/31/2016

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Valentine's day 2002. My girlfriend and I both had to work late, but we still wanted to do something for Valentine's day. After very little discussion, we settled on the Dragon House by the Tyler Mall in Riverside. We got there kinda late, I think around 9:30 pm. I asked if it was too late to eat, but with much enthusiasm, they said they would gladly accommodate us. We sat down and ordered. As soon as the waiter brought out an entree, another would follow right behind them to pick up our plates and scoop it's contents into to-go boxes without saying a word. If you know me by now based on previous reviews, you know what happened next. My heart started beating fast, I got physically hot, started to sweat. I was like "Yo...What are you doing? We just got that!" We were told they were closing soon and that we had to hurry up. "Why did y'all seat us then?!" I exclaimed. They just smiled while handing us our to-go bags. Surprisingly, my girlfriend at the time didn't trip as she was notorious for not taking any shit from anybody. We took our food and eventually laughed about it all the way home. Whatever, Dragon House. I never forgot that. I never will.

Upon first bite, these taste just like Tabasco sauce without the heat. Sweet, smoky, with equally subtle flavors of sour vinegar with a barely noticeable bitter finish. I don't taste any poultry flavors at all. They may be there, but the Tabasco-like flavor overwhelms my tastebuds so much that I may not be able to taste it. My expectations weren't that high, but these are pretty  good. 3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.
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We've Found A Winner

7/31/2016

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As usual, everytime Lay's releases special seasonal flavors, one flavor stands out from the rest. This is that flavor!

Upon first bite, I get deliciously overwhelming flavors of cream, tomato, turmeric, and cumin. All perfectly balanced! It's amazing how accurate Lay's can recreate the unmistakable flavor of this Indian dish on a potato chip. The kettle chip crunchy texture is the perfect canvas on which these flavors are stacked. The creamy tomato base holds the spicy flavors of tumeric and cumin together, while the tomatoey finish provides an umami exeperience rarely acheived so perfectly on a potato chip. I'm not even a huge fan of Indian food! If you are, you're gonna love these. 4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.
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Late Night Hype

7/28/2016

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When I was a kid, staying up late on Fridays and Saturdays was the much needed reward for a long hard week at Catholic school. Going to bed at 10 pm and having to wake up at 6:30 am sucked! Being the big brother, I never really had a bed time once I got to the 4th grade. I sure took advantage of that on the weekend!

My late night lifestyle started innocently enough. One Saturday night I asked if I could stay up late to watch WWF Saturday Night's Main Event that came on at 11:30 pm. My parents said yes... and I never had to ask again. What I would soon discover, however, was that after hours t.v. in the late 80's was freakin' awesome!

On Fridays after midnight it was Friday night videos on channel 4 where I'd catch the latest Lisa Lisa video followed by Def Leppard followed by New Edition. Watching that show is the reason why my musical taste is so broad and eclectic to this day! After Friday night videos, it was over to channel 8 to watch some R rated B movies on "Up All Night" where I'd hopefully catch a glimpse of a titty or something. Usually it was a pixelated titty, but pixelated titties to a 10 year old in the 80's with no parental supervision was fuckin' rad!

On Saturdays of course it was watching late night wrestling or Saturday Night Live, followed by It's Showtime At The Apollo (when both were really good). Again all this followed by pixelated tits. Until that one memorable night when in my desperation for something more, I discovered the trick of putting the cable box on one channel lower than the Spice channel and the t.v. on channel 4 instead of 3. That's the day I graduated from pixelated to scrambled titties. My childhood was glorious!

You kids will never know the rush of hearing your dad coming down the hallway at 1 in the morning in the middle of a naked pixelated women binge then having to quickly turn off the t.v. and run back to your bedroom to pretend to be sleeping with your heart beating out of your chest...making it to your bed just in the nick of time. Talk about an adrenalin rush!  I can proudly say my speed and agility allowed me to NEVER be caught. Undefeated late night den-sneaking ninja from 1987 - 1993. My childhood was incredible!

Anyway...these are the last bag of chips my homie Eli brought me from Thailand. I have no idea what these are, but judging from the bag, it's some kind of seaweed/soy sauce flavor. This bag is really small, I finished it in about 39 seconds. Upon first bite, I get a medium savory/salty taste followed by an earthy umami type of finish. Pretty good! The consistency on these are more like a rice chip. Like a texture between cinnamon toast crunch and a cheese puff, but it works on this chip. Pretty good as a quick snack, but I don't think I would finish a larger bag. 3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.
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The Negro Whisperer

7/26/2016

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I'm a very calm super nice guy, but because of my emotionless expression and monotone way of speaking, people sometimes get the wrong idea and I occasionally come across as "assholishly aggressive." Usually it's never an issue... unless I'm in a dentist's office.

It was time for me to get my usual dental check up. My insurance recently changed, so I had to find a new dentist. "No problem, but I ain't getting no punk ass x-rays" I thought to myself.  Prior to my appointment, I had some x-rays performed at my primary doctor's office the previous week. My independent Google research determined that I shouldn't be subjected to any further unnecessary radiation should my dentist request them. Besides, I grew up seeing how radiation ruined David Banner's life in that 70's tv show "The Incredible Hulk." Fuck that shit.

Im not afraid of dentists and actually look forward to my appointment, but because of the subconscious chip on my shoulder about x-rays, I was a tad apprehensive when checking in. The Dental Assistant calls my name and tells me I need x-rays (of course). I reply, "No I don't. I just had them six months ago. My teeth haven't changed in six months." Flustered, she quickly leaves the room. Just as quickly she returns saying "Well, we just need like 4 really quick ones." Without raising my voice, I very calmly told her that I wasn't trying to be difficult, but I really didn't think I needed them. She leaves again. This time, a very attractive black girl comes in. I immediately knew who she was and why she was summoned. She was my Negro Whisperer. They thought by sending a cute girl of my same race to talk to me in our ancient "Negro-speak" she'd be able to defuse the situation. "They sent you you in here to calm me down huh?" We both laughed and she relpied that she wasn't. She was the billing coordinator and said I needed to get them done for my insurance to cover the appointment. I relented, and the Dental Assistant returned and proceeded to take 57 xrays of my mouth. Well, maybe 57, I stopped counting after 13.

Negro Whisperer: 1.  Todd: 0.

Anyway, my very good friend and extremely funny comedian Eli grabbed these for me on his last trip to his Motherland. Upon first bite, intense flavors of paprika, savory sweet basil, and Thai chili hits my palate. These chips aren't too hot at all, but they possess an extremely smooth and subtle heat finish that perfectly compliments the basil flavor. There's another flavor that's distinctly Asian, but I can't quite identify it. Almost like a very mellow essence of fish sauce (which I'm not usually a fan of), but it's extremely mild. I tried to read the ingredients, but they're written in Thai. Whatever it is, it bridges the basil and chili flavors perfectly. These are really, really good! I wish I can get them in the States! 5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

*You can see the hilarious comedy of Eli here:
Eli Nicolas "Virgin No More."
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Creepy Homies

3/8/2016

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Beware of toxic friends, they'll run through your crew like a hot knife through butter! I had this friend once (once) that shit on all the homies in our clique in about a year's time.  I witnessed this dude terrorize another friend's little brother at a football game by holding the little guy over the banister in the bleachers. Talk dirty to another friend's girlfriend, in which he earned himself a technical knock out via fist to head/head to curb. And last but not least, bust a nut on my friend's mother's house plant (don't ask). I can go on but you get the point.

My "straw that broke the camel's back" was when we caught him stalking my big tittied girlfriend (see my "Free Hugs" review) . Apparently dude would park in front of  her house and sit there for hours trying to catch a glimpse of her through the window. Could've been worse I guess, he could have gotten my baby momma pregnant. Yes, he did that to another friend of mine too. He knocked up his best friend's baby momma. I can't make this shit up. Moral of the story?  Rid yourself of toxic people before it's too late. Help them if you can, but at your own risk.

Anyway, on to the review. I've been looking for these for a while. I finally found them at a Walgreens in Hollywood. Upon opening the bag, I get a whiff of an aroma that can only be described as "hot beefy sweet soy sauce." The taste of beef and a slightly smoky sweetness hits the palate first. Very much like the marinated bulgogi at a Korean bbq restaurant. I love Korean bbq, but typically stay away from any marinated meats as I like to have control of my own flavors and seasonings. Most marinated meat at Korean bbq joints are also too sweet to me. Just as these chips are. I like them, but I wish they were more "umami" and less sweet. 3.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.
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Take This Job And...

12/14/2015

1 Comment

 
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I've had some wack jobs. The library when I was 16. Little Caesar's Pizza at 17.  Horrible!

So when I finally became personal trainer after many hours of classes and months of waiting to get certified, I thought I'd found my calling! Well, at least until I got the paycheck that made me go super saiyan on those busters!

It all started innocently enough. After 3 years of training clients I still wasn't making enough money. Mike, the general manager knew of my discontent and offered me to try out selling memberships with the sales team. With my knowledge of exercise and nutrition combined with my people friendly personality, we both thought I'd be able to make the money I needed by selling memberships while still being able to train a few select clients part time. I took him up on his offer.

All was going well until after a few months of being on a draw (I had to pay back my hourly wage from any commission I earned), I realized I had to push harder. So harder I pushed! I would walk the floor asking members for referrals, gave out gym passes with my name on it, and cold called for hours and hours setting up gym tours so I could convert visitors to members. I was on a roll!

After all my hardwork and selling more memberships than all my previous months, pay day arrived! I asked for my check from the general manager so I could deposit my hard earned commission on my lunch break. He handed me the check. Due to all the suspense of wanting to see how handsomely rewarded I'd be for selling so many memberships the previous month, I ripped open the check in front of the general manger. The check was for $412. Of course this was a mistake. So I went to Mike and said "Hey man, they made a mistake on my check." Mike looked at my check, laughed and said "Wow, feakin' Jose the janitor made more than you! Hahaha! That's no mistake, bro. Look at your draw." They subtracted my commission from the hourly wages plus the overtime they paid me making all of those extra calls.

I stormed out the gym. As I was driving to the bank, the heat of anger and frustration began to simmer. I began to physically sweat. The hours I spent on the phone. Giving tours. Working 50 hours a week plus and giving up some of my favorite personal training clients. To the gym, all that was worth $60 more than my car note was at the time. I deposited my check and drove around the city on the verge of tears I was so angry! I called this chick from the gym I was seeing and went to her house because I wasn't going back to the gym to finish my shift. Fuck them. They didn't deserve me or my time.

My cell phone began to blow up with calls from mangers and co-workers. I didn't answer. I left at lunch to cash my check. It was now 2 pm and I was scheduled to work til 9.  My very cute fitness friend and I sat on her couch (still in my gym uniform), ate protein pies, and watched marathon eposides of Three's Company until I left around 11 pm. Jack Tripper and some cute perky company was all I needed to feel better.

I showed up the next day as if nothing had happened. Of course I got written up. Mike and I laughed about the situation. I informed him I'm going back to training full time so it could give me the flexibility to study for my real estate license. He granted me my wish and a few months later, I passed my California Real Estate Salesperson test. A few months after that, I left the gym for good. Although health and fitness is still an important part of my life, I never looked back!

On to the review! My cousin Ryan, survivor of the Dim Mak, got these for me on a trip to World Market. I don't drink beer, but the only beer I drink is Guinness so I was excited to try these. Upon first bite, there's a subtle bitter almost chocolate-like flavor. Not bad, I can see where they were trying to go with these as Guinness has similar bitter notes. I try a few more. The bitterness builds to the point where I don't even finish the bag. Not a very good chip. Had they downplayed the bitterness, they may not have been so bad. 2 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.
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I Don't Like Black Girls

11/24/2015

2 Comments

 
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I hear it all the time. "Hey Todd, I know you be loving them Asian girls!" Or, "Hey Todd, I know you only like Mexican chicks!" Well I'm here to set the record straight...I'm attracted to all types of women. Especially black women! I've dated plenty of Black girls of various skin tones.

Growing up in Riverside, I wasn't given the opportunity to date as many black girls. Besides, I've always dated a girl based on if I liked her and enjoyed her company. Her race was never an issue or consideration. If I'm attracted to you, I'm attracted to YOU, not your race. I guess for other people looking in from the outside, they assumed different.

I'm not that superficial nor am I shallow enough to only date a woman because of her race. As long as she has a nice smile, a sense of humor, an empathetic heart, is a brunette, doesn't nag me...and has a fat booty...she's my type.

Anyway...on to the review! Upon first bite, the flavor is a little underwhelming. I taste a slight vinegar flavor with an mellow savory paprika finish. As I eat more of them, the flavor begins to build and they become really good! The vinegar flavor begins to pop more and the supporting flavors which I'm assuming are bbq and paprika because of the picture on the bag, become much more prominent. Sweet, salty, and savory. If you like that savory vinegar taste like me, you'll really enjoy these! 4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.
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I Can't Dance

11/9/2015

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I can't dance. Well, at least not in the traditional sense. All I can do is the freak. It's not my fault. Growing up in the early 90's, most of my dance lessons came from house parties or "kickbacks" that would turn into full fledged house parties. When a cute young lip gloss wearing, body suit with bell bottom jean clad girl my age would ask me to dance, she would automatically proceed to back that thang up on me regardless of the song. It not only became my generation's dance of choice, but the only dance we knew how to do.

I would learn that this was a handicap years later when as an adult, I attended my company's Holiday party. As I was dancing with a co-worker my age, we started out with the proverbial two-step, but eventually that evolved to our natural dance of choice...the freak. I turned her around, grabbed her hands, then proceeded dance inches off of the floor. We tootsie rolled and butterflied in perfect harmony while our pelvises were glued together. When I looked up a few songs into our freak recital, I noticed we were the only people on the dance floor. We gave a rhythmic humping seminar as several Jewish owners, shareholders, and vendors looked on in awe...or maybe shock. Kinda hard to tell between the two. I no longer dance in public in front of family or at family functions, especially weddings, because of this problem

I'm not alone. If you or someone you love attended high school or jr. high between the years of 1990 -1996, then they too may have the same ailment. Apparently based on the pictures above, Michael Jordan is also affected.

Anyway, these are better than I thought they'd be. Upon first bite, I get a strong taste of butter followed by a sweet cinnamon and sugar finish. These flavors work because of the puff texture of the chip. These kinda just melt in your mouth. I can't eat too many in one sitting because they are so sweet. These are much better in moderation. 3.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.
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The Evil Genius Of Women

9/28/2015

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I don't know why most of the Bond villains are men. From my experiences, women are the greatest evil geniuses of all-time.

It started innocently enough. My soon to be ex-girlfriend dropped by my house one night while I was in the midst of perfecting my Cali-rita recipe. It was a perfect Friday night. I was blasting my music library from my computer into the surround sound system in my den. Sitting at my bar with a giant bottle of Cazadores tequila and a carton of Paul Newman's Limeade, I began to test various ratios of the two liquids to formulate a new drink I would call the Cali-rita. I drank drink after intoxicating drink as some of my favorite songs from the 80's and 90's blarred with digital clarity over my speakers. My girlfriend was a quiet but willing audience as she listened to me reminisce about life experiences that each song reminded me of.  I gave her  verbal chip mack stories years before I'd manifest into the Chip Mack I am today.

Then it happened. The last thing I remember is feeling amazingly amazing and tingly with a numb face sitting on the couch with my arm around my girl. Sex and Candy was playing by Marcy Playground (great song btw) which conjured up the warm memory of the first time I heard that song, which to her chagrin was also the first time I went to a strip club. It's a great story, but in retrospect, not one I should have told my girlfriend in concise detail while I had a blood alcohol level of 1.98.

I woke up in my bed the next morning. First thought..."how the fuck is it daylight already?" Second thought..."how the fuck did I get from my bed to the couch?" As I turned to get out of bed seeking answers to these questions, my girlfriend was sitting in the bed next to me wide awake, fully clothed, with perfect posture staring straight ahead. It would soon be revealed that after I passed out from my liquor experiment, she put all 220 lbs of me in the bed and proceeded to stay up all night as she typed various four digit number combinations in my phone's lock screen. She did this for who knows how long until she successfully cracked the code. My girlfriend-turned evil tech genius would find voicemails that I stupidly saved of chicks I knew before her. Some were innocently flirting, others were incriminating drunk dials. Regardless, the damage had been done.

We patched things up but would eventually break up for good a few months later. Til this day I am in awe that this chick had the patience to wait until I passed out and the tenacity to manually try different number pin combinations until she got in my phone. This bud's for you...you sneaky broad.

Anyway, on to the review! My cousin BB told me about these one night over a game of Madden. I couldn't find them anywhere! Luckily, on the way back from Vegas, my brother-in-law found these at a gas station in Barstow. Upon first bite, these taste like zestier funyons. Almost like a funyon version of the Doritos cool ranch flavor. The picture on the bag shows a blooming onion that's commonly served at a notable steak restaurant. These taste nothing like that. After a few bites, the extra seasoning dulls the tastebuds and the chips begin to taste like regular funyons. Good, but nothing special. 3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.
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