Double dating isn't something I've done often.  Usually it can be disastrous because one couple is always trying to out do the other.  But with the right company, it can be amazing! Let me take you back to 1996. The setting, a miniature golf course in the Inland Empire. My homie and this chick he was messin' with wanted me to meet her friend. We all meet up at the golf course and decide to make it a battle of the sexes. Shit was getting kind of boring so I decide to place a few wagers on the holes. "Ok, if I make this hole in one y'all gotta ride home with no shirts." Luckily these young ladies were from Moreno Valley. Moreno Valley girls were notorious for their "recklessly amorous" nature. I hit the ball. The ball hits several walls, bounces off of a light, and goes right into the hole. We laughed but our female companions eloquently stated "nah nigga...we gotta get that back!  Next hole, if you miss it y'all gotta ride back with no pants!" We agreed, but I added the stipulation that if I made it, the girls had to ride back in just their underwear. Next hole...another hole in one. The girls wanted double or nothing again. By this point, I was feeling unstoppable and started calling out shots. "Off the statues foot, off that wall, into the hole." I took my next shot and I shit you not...hole in one...just like I called it.

Long story short, me and my homie rode back in my step dad's Oldsmobile with 2 half naked chicks to the Stop n' Go on Sunnymead because our female companions requested Thunderbird and cherry Kool-Aide. The rest of the night included breaking in to the Lake Perris campgrounds by flying over a curb, driving to a Motel 6 then not doing anything because I found out my date was in a few porno movies (this was later confirmed...she was in the "Just don't bite it" series. I can't make this shit up). That freaked me out and I don't regret not hooking up with her even though she was pretty hot.


Anyway....these chips are amazing!  Just like my double date I had no expectations but was pleasantly surprised with the outcome. These have a taste reminiscent of Funyons but with the perfect texture of a kettle chip done right. These  chips are crunchy without that hard, overcooked texture a lot of kettle chips have. Perfect salty, oniony, crispy goodness. 4.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Walking through Fresh and Easy I spotted a 2 for $5 sign and grabbed what I thought were two bags of Vinegar and Sea Salt chips. As I took a bite my taste buds felt ambushed. “WHOA…shit, what are these?” I had to see what this was in my mouth. I grabbed the bag and realized these were MALT Vinegar and Sea Salt Kettle Chips, and boy is it a huge difference! Upon first bite I got that deep, rich, complex, unmistakable malt vinegar flavor with just the right amount of salt. The texture is perfect for a kettle chip. The gripe I have with most kettle chips is that they are way too hard. These are crunchier and slightly thicker, but not too hard where your teeth and gums pay the price. Way better than your average salt and vinegar chip. I went back and bought another bag! 4.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

While walking through Sprouts with my cousin Gina (G-nut) on her quest to make the most epic gluten free spaghetti, we spotted these Kimchi flavored chips. I’ve tried Kimchi in the past, so I’ve learned not to fuck with Kimchi in my present or future. Not a fan. But I will eat it from time to time if I’m in the presence of a hot Korean chick hoping to catch her eye so she can see how down I am (insert winky face here). These actually aren’t that bad. They accurately recreated the taste of Kimchi without it being overpowering. A spicy vinegary-fermented cabbage note upon first bite with a smooth toasted sesame seed finish. Nice spice but not hot. If you like Kimchi you’ll love these. I don’t, but I’m still giving these a 3.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale for execution.

These salty ass chips remind me of salty ass dudes. You know the type. The dude always trying to “throw salt” on your relationship to fuck it up. Ive had my share. I’d like to recognize a few….Shout out to the ENTIRE 1997 Riverside City College men’s basketball team that didn’t like that I was dating the cutest chick on the female team. Especially you, blonde ass nigga (Sisqo was popular at the time, lame dudes are copy cats) that decided to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek in front of me and when I pushed him he wanted to hug it out. Shout out to that dude that showed my girlfriend his weiner at lunch….it didn’t work. Unfortunately for the both of us it turns out she was apathetic towards any one’s weiner, mine included. Shout out to the chick (she looked like a dude…it counts) that loudly proclaimed “Todd aint shit…I like real niggas….darkskinned niggas with nappy goatees and dreadlocks” in front of about 50 clueless people that wondered why this Tracy Chapman looking chick was so overcome with emotion when someone gave my a girlfriend a compliment about me.

Anyway…these chips are about as salty as the people I just recognized in the paragraph above. Upon first bite, I get an amalgamation of salt and spices. Thats it. No balance. No separation of distinct flavors. Good crunch though. 3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Peppers can be extremely dangerous. One time, long ago (1997), my friends and I were at a burger spot after our usual Saturday night activity….looking for “bitches.” Which we never found. So it definitely was a typical Saturday night for us young gentleman. At this particular spot, extremely hot chili peppers were served with our food. My friend Ken challenged my macho by daring me to bite into one of the hideously hot peppers. With my macho on the line, I bit into the pepper. As I sank my teeth into the pepper, a perfect stream of chili pepper juice squirted from the pepper…directly into Ken’s eyeball. All of a sudden all 6’4 350 lbs. of Ken was on the floor yelling “nigga…nigga….” for about 4 mins non-stop. It freaked out the patrons, scared the staff, and had us in tears with laughter. These chips have heat that sneaks up on you. Upon first bite, its an almost overwhelming vinegar taste followed by a strong lime finish. Then, outta nowhere boom! I drank half a gallon of almond milk with these. The vinegar was too strong, the lime was not complimentary at all, and the flavors lacked balance.

                                                                     3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale

Little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Word on the street when I was a kid was that boys were made of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails. I hated that shit when I was little. I used to wanna punch the face of my kindergarten teacher and whoever else felt nutty enough to test 6 yr old Todd with that shit. I used to pride myself (still do) on being clean and having good hygiene, plus Cyndi Lauper’ song about girls and having a little sister really made me wanna stand up for my fellow macho male children. Besides, I’ve met a few girls that were made of drama, unreasonableness, instability, and horror. Anyway, these are really good! Another surprise because I wasn’t looking forward to trying Cinnamon and Sugar potato chips. Perfectly balanced with just enough sweet cinnamon spice to let you know its there. I usually complain chips aren’t seasoned enough but these flavors are superbly subtle. I CAN eat a whole can in one sitting.

                                                                    4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale

Pecan pie just so happens to be my favorite pie since I was a kid. Pecan pie always reminds me of my Gran, who whenever I came over she would have me and my sister’s favorite foods. For me it was always grilled steaks, spaghetti with italian sausage, and pecan pie during this time of year. For my little 11 yr old sister Tanya, it was always Lee press on nails and wine coolers. I shit you not...wine coolers. Just for her. Because she liked them. To be fair, to that side of my family wine coolers werent really alcohol. In the words of my father “that shit ain’t nothing but kool aide.” She turned out fine anyway. Now on to the review! These are surprisingly good. Upon first bite, I get the unmistakable nutty pecan flavor with a buttery, sweet undertone. Very close to actual pecan pie. Pringles did their research! Nice balance of sweet and salty without being overwhelmingly sweet. Good by themselves but sparingly, not gonna eat the whole can in one sitting.

                                                                          4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

One of my favorite jokes I’ve ever heard is from a hilarious comedian, friend, and guy that has helped me in my comedy career…The Greg Wilson. The joke goes…”I wish I was black, so I could name my kids whatever the fuck I want.” Apparently the people at Kettle Chips took this to heart because I have no idea why they named these Spicy Thai. Upon first bite, I get an almost overwhelming sweet flavor with no heat at all. I can taste onion, lime, and an anise (licorice) type flavor. A big part of my rating system is based on the name of the flavor and the execution of re-creating that flavor. Where’s the basil? Where’s the heat and flavor from actual thai chillies? Kettle Chips failed on this one. They taste ok, but nothing like you’d expect.

                      3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

The time, mid 1980’s. The setting, The University of Southern California (fight on!). The reason, my parent’s work Christmas party. As I’m in the hallway playing with the other kids, one of the children’s mom comes up and starts giving us spelling words to spell. A freaking full fledged spelling bee breaks out and I'm getting creamed! Word after word are words 2nd grade Todd has never learned. Meanwhile this white lady and her white children are making Todd look like the dumb black kid. I realized what was going on and on the next word this chick gave me, I think it was faculty, I spelled it out loud….S-H-I-T. The lady covered her precious blonde haired daughter’s ears and left in a huff. One of the proudest moments of my life! Simple, yet effective. Just like these Lay’s Sea Salt & Cracked Pepper chips. Deliciously simple yet the flavors of salt and pepper along with the texture of the kettle cooked chip makes these a winner. Flavors are perfectly balanced.

                                                                     4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale

Whenever you’re in the club or a car show and you hear the song “Nasty Girls” by Vanity start to play…you know a thong contest is about to break out. Whatever happened to thong contests? Ill tell you what happened to thong contests…it was always the one uber competitive chick, usually a blonde (asian, black, white, or latina…but blonde all the same) that would end up turning the thong contest into a gynecological seminar. My point? Sometimes going overboard is a bad thing. In the case of these pretzel crisps…ITS A GREAT THING!!! I don’t like pretzels…at all…but when I tried these because I got bonus points on my Fresh n’ Easy card for buying them, I was impressed. Very heavily seasoned with a great spicy, vinegary taste that is addicting. Perfect blend of spice and flavor.

                                                                                4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale

I expected these to taste like every other pickle flavored chip. I was wrong! These have a very pronounced dill flavor and were unexpectedly spicy. The spicy cayenne pepper almost overpowers the dill flavor, but I liked it. If you don’t like spicy chips these aren’t for you. They were so unexpectedly spicy I began to choke and utter the word “shit” fairly loud upon first bite. Regardless….good chip, good texture, strong flavors. Not the best balance, so I gotta give these a 3.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale. Very enjoyable flavor!

Ok, that was fast. I had to open these mysterious Voodoo chips. Growing up Creole, I’ve heard the old myth (which I’m sure some desperate chicks have done) Creole women put their um…once a month remnants (sorry) in spaghetti to keep a man. Sorry to be nasty but I’ve heard all the voodoo jokes and this myth before. Creole women are some of the most beautiful women on earth. They don’t need to resort to disgusting acts of “spaghetti voodoo” to catch a man. That’s what red beans and rice are for. Any way, when I saw this bag that thought went through my mind. Weird? Maybe. Regardless..upon first bite there is a deliciously strong vinegary flavor that I love, followed by a sweet, subtly smokey flavor. Very unique. This flavor is the most unique flavor I’ve tried next to the Doritos cheeseburger flavor from a few years ago. It is a unique taste, though not for everybody.

                                                                        3.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale

I’ll let y’all in on a chip mack secret…the best bag of chips I ever had were bacon and cheddar flavored Cheetos. These are my holy grail of all potato chips. I haven’t had them since the first grade and the memory of those chips have stayed with me. I’ve been hoping for years that frito lay re-releases them. I bring this up because whenever I see anything bacon and cheddar flavored I can’t help but compare it to memory of those glorious bacon and cheddar Cheetos. I came across these bacon and cheddar “crunchy fries” while strolling through a Walgreens. This chips suck! First of all these are puffs, which I’m not a fan of. Second, these taste like burnt bacon grease and the cheddar flavor is horrible.

                                                                                        2 outta 5 on the chip mack scale

Why is it only ghetto chicks suck their thumbs? Of all the adult thumb suckers I’ve seen most fit the same description… Ratchet ass broads. I always wanted to grab them and put hot sauce on their thumb, but it’d probably make it worse. Ratchet chicks only like two things…drama and hot sauce. Like Ratchets, I too like hot sauce. These hot sauce flavored Pringles are really good. Not a perfect recreation of hot sauce, but they have a good vinegary overtone with a very mild spicy finish. Very enjoyable. 

                   4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale

When I was in the first grade, this chick named Angela used to always get teased (she was one of those kids with metal teeth, kinda prevalent in the 80’s for some reason). Until the night of our Christmas program. Angela all of a sudden was cute! It wasnt her dress or because her hair was done…it was the lip gloss! I had never seen her in lip gloss and for first grader Todd it was a game changer. I had a crush on Angela for weeks after that, which is equivalent to years in the first grade. Point of my story is all it takes is a lil something different to change your perspective on something. With these Pringles it was the word “dip.” I had to try them. Thought they’d be like sour cream and onion, they’re not. These have an almost roasted onion flavor very close to actual French onion dip. Only problem is these are a tad too salty. Would go great with a beer or an ice cold iced sweet tea to balance out the saltiness.

                                                                    3.25 outta 5 on the chip mack scale

I’ve had various ketchup flavored potato chips before, these are definitely unique. Upon first bite, I notice a very sweet flavor reminding me more of the flavor of that distinctively sweet/vinegary McDonald’s ketchup. The more I ate these, the sweetness starts to subside and I get more of a sour spicy note. Spicy meaning spices, not heat. These are really good. Reminds me of a basket of fries smothered in ketchup. These would go perfect with a cheeseburger.

                       3.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale

FINALLY! Ever since Frito Lay came out with the Tapatío line of chips (Doritos, Fritos , and Ruffles) I noticed there were weren’t any Cheeto Tapatío flavored chips. The wait is over! These so far are hands down the BEST new flavor I’ve tried in quite some time. With these, texture is everything. The Tapatío Doritos were cool, wasn’t a fan of the Fritos, but because of the Cheetos unique texture and ability to “hold on” to the flavoring on the chip…these by far are the best of the Tapatío line. Upon first bite, these have the saucy Tapatío flavor one would expect, but finishes with a complimentary cheddar cheese flavor and just the right amount of a spicy burn.




        These are amazingly perfect. 5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale!!! I think I just may have a new favorite chip.

Back in the day T.G.I.Friday’s in West Covina used to crack, son! There’s a reason I bring this up. One exceptionally cracking Saturday night at this T.G.I.Fridays back in the year 2000, I looked across the bar and I saw her…Christina Milian’s twin sister. I had to holler. And holler I did...tough! She stood no match for my lyrical charm and I got her number. “Christina” and I spoke for a few weeks on the phone until finally we were able to coordinate our schedules for a date. I went to pick her up, I knocked on the door, then it happened….she looked NOTHING like I remembered. Except for her curly hair, I would’ve sworn it was a completely different person. All good, took her to see “Me, myself, and Irene” and bounced out in a friendly manner. I was fooled almost as bad as these bag of chips fooled me. These taste NOTHING like jalapeño and there is NO cheddar flavor whatsoever. These taste straight like bbq flavored chips. Good taste, just not at all what I expected.

                     Because of the lack of jalapeño or cheddar flavor these are a 3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Totally random purchase. I was buying napkins and somebody left a bag of these next to the Bounty. Probably some Mom whose child threw these in the cart when she wasn’t looking. Anyway, im not into “medleys” because what ends up happening is all the good stuff gets eaten thrn you’re left with the wack stuff (usually pretzels). Im not into puffs, which for the most part makes up most of the bag, but the little green jalapeño cheddar and the salsa picante pieces are pretty good. Frito Lay should just do a bag of those. Not bad if you’re into puffs. Im not, but ill eat them on *gp. 

                                                                                             3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

                                                                                                   (*gp = general principle)

Was supposed to review these last week…slippin’! Anyway, these are REALLY good! Very, very zesty. Maybe a little too intense for those looking for a subdued chip experience. The “jacked” line is a bigger, thicker chip. Really nice texture. These chips are so big I had to break it to fit it in my mouth (hey ladies ;-)). Tastes like buffalo wing sauce with the zesty flavors of ranch dressing (insert salad tossing joke here). Zesty, but not hot at all…very spicy and packed with flavor!

                  4.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Just grabbed these on my latest gas station stop. Doesn’t the cover of the bag make these look delicious? This shit tastes like black girl’s hair products. 2 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

They straight got the Mexican mix? Somebody at Frito Lay is making smart moves! Orale.  The stars of the mix are the Pizzerolas and the Tapatio Doritos.  The Queso Ruffles have a weird "cheddary" flavor that is a tad too strong for my tastes, but still pretty good.  Not feeling the Flamas Doritos or Turbos.  Waaay too much lime.  Its an amalgamation of bitter and spice.  No bueno! 

4 outta 5 on the Chip Mack Scale. Would be a 5 but those Turbos Flamas can *andale" if you catch my drift. 

(* "andale" = get the fuck outta here)