In the year 2000, 23 year old Todd found himself working at Sears Homelife selling furniture, mattresses, and accessories. It was an ok job, but could get pretty slow and monotonous during the week. Salesmen such as myself lived for the weekends! That's when we get the most traffic. Being that the store was HUGE, It wasn't rare to have a couple hundred people at one time in the store on a busy Saturday.

One such Saturday, while working in the mattress department, an absolutely gorgeous Filipina lady walks in looking like she just walked out of a fitness magazine. You can feel the tension as she walked by married couples en route to my section. Husbands were getting dirty looks from their wives while trying not to stare. She was wearing only a sports bra and tights (now known as leggings in 2017). She looked like a fitness model or something. Big ol' implants, abs, ass, quads... t'was crazy!

Being the professional I am, I wasn't fazed. Although I'm sure I mumbled "GOT DAMN!" under my breath as I approached her.

ME: "Hi welcome to Homelife, my name is Todd. Looking for a mattress today?"

HER: "Hi Dodd. Yes I am. I'm all alone and hab no boyfriend."

Then shit gets weird. I shit you not... she proceeded to lay on the bed and began to gyrate. She asks me to lay down with her. I'm like "Lady, were in public. There's a family with kids right over there." I point over to the family looking at us as they quickly usher their kids over to the bunk beds.

She then sits up on the bed Indian style and asks if I have a girlfriend. I thought I was on a freaking hidden camera show! I extinguish the fire in her loins and proceed to sell her not only the mattress, but some kitchen furniture and candle holders.

I don't know what the fuck she drank for her pre-workout, but I'm sure Bill Cosby would pay millions for the formula.

Anyway, on to the review! I can't stop thinking of that punk ass movie of the same title from the 90's with Jessica Tandy as I'm eating these. Upon first bite, I taste a tangy spicy "green" flavor that I can't quite figure out. Almost like jalapeño without the heat. I guess the tang I taste is supposed to be the sauce on the fried tomatoes shown on the bag. These have a deeper, more complicated flavor profile than I imagined. I can taste the green tomato flavor while the flavor and texture of the potato lends itself to providing a fried cornmeal flavor. Maybe its psychosomatic, but they taste exactly how the picture on the bag looks. Really good! 4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Being of mixed heritage, I have people of all different shades and colors in my family. I was blessed to be raised with all kinds of friends from a multitude of races and cultures. Color never affected who I chose to befriend or date. If I ever brought a girl home to introduce her to my family, I was never worried that there would be any awkwardness or meet the disapproval of my parents.

One Friday afternoon when I was 17 years old, I brought over my girlfriend at the time that happened to be of Vietnamese heritage. I introduce her to my mom and we head into the kitchen because I was gonna make her some tacos then head out to a football game. Fun Friday, right? Well, when my stepdad walks in and I introduce her, this dude bows to her and asks:

"Hi! You like here?"

HOLY... SHIT. My heart fell into my stomach and I yell "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? SHE'S FROM HERE!!!"

My girlfriend laughed, my mom scolded him, I was embarrassed, my step dad was befuddled. Man, I was pissed! Luckily my girlfriend at the time thought it was hilarious. Although I was mortified, I understood what happened. My step father worked at the University of Southern California. Most Asian people he came into contact with were students from outside of the country. He meant no harm or disrespect. Anybody that knows him will say he has a heart of gold and doesn't harbor any prejuduce whatsoever and I can vouch for that. With that being said, I still hold my breath when we're out at a Chinese restaurant and it's his turn to order.

Anyway, on to the review! These are amazing! Upon first bite I get flavors of beef, cumin, cheese, and sour cream all at once. These taste JUST like the tacos my momma makes. The American orange grease running down your fingers version of the taco. I swear I can even taste the lettuce. If these don't win the flavor contest this year I'll know the system is rigged. 5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.