Valentine's day 2002. My girlfriend and I both had to work late, but we still wanted to do something for Valentine's day. After very little discussion, we settled on the Dragon House by the Tyler Mall in Riverside. We got there kinda late, I think around 9:30 pm. I asked if it was too late to eat, but with much enthusiasm, they said they would gladly accommodate us. We sat down and ordered. As soon as the waiter brought out an entree, another would follow right behind them to pick up our plates and scoop it's contents into to-go boxes without saying a word. If you know me by now based on previous reviews, you know what happened next. My heart started beating fast, I got physically hot, started to sweat. I was like "Yo...What are you doing? We just got that!" We were told they were closing soon and that we had to hurry up. "Why did y'all seat us then?!" I exclaimed. They just smiled while handing us our to-go bags. Surprisingly, my girlfriend at the time didn't trip as she was notorious for not taking any shit from anybody. We took our food and eventually laughed about it all the way home. Whatever, Dragon House. I never forgot that. I never will.

Upon first bite, these taste just like Tabasco sauce without the heat. Sweet, smoky, with equally subtle flavors of sour vinegar with a barely noticeable bitter finish. I don't taste any poultry flavors at all. They may be there, but the Tabasco-like flavor overwhelms my tastebuds so much that I may not be able to taste it. My expectations weren't that high, but these are pretty  good. 3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

As usual, everytime Lay's releases special seasonal flavors, one flavor stands out from the rest. This is that flavor!

Upon first bite, I get deliciously overwhelming flavors of cream, tomato, turmeric, and cumin. All perfectly balanced! It's amazing how accurate Lay's can recreate the unmistakable flavor of this Indian dish on a potato chip. The kettle chip crunchy texture is the perfect canvas on which these flavors are stacked. The creamy tomato base holds the spicy flavors of tumeric and cumin together, while the tomatoey finish provides an umami exeperience rarely acheived so perfectly on a potato chip. I'm not even a huge fan of Indian food! If you are, you're gonna love these. 4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

When I was a kid, staying up late on Fridays and Saturdays was the much needed reward for a long hard week at Catholic school. Going to bed at 10 pm and having to wake up at 6:30 am sucked! Being the big brother, I never really had a bed time once I got to the 4th grade. I sure took advantage of that on the weekend!

My late night lifestyle started innocently enough. One Saturday night I asked if I could stay up late to watch WWF Saturday Night's Main Event that came on at 11:30 pm. My parents said yes... and I never had to ask again. What I would soon discover, however, was that after hours t.v. in the late 80's was freakin' awesome!

On Fridays after midnight it was Friday night videos on channel 4 where I'd catch the latest Lisa Lisa video followed by Def Leppard followed by New Edition. Watching that show is the reason why my musical taste is so broad and eclectic to this day! After Friday night videos, it was over to channel 8 to watch some R rated B movies on "Up All Night" where I'd hopefully catch a glimpse of a titty or something. Usually it was a pixelated titty, but pixelated titties to a 10 year old in the 80's with no parental supervision was fuckin' rad!

On Saturdays of course it was watching late night wrestling or Saturday Night Live, followed by It's Showtime At The Apollo (when both were really good). Again all this followed by pixelated tits. Until that one memorable night when in my desperation for something more, I discovered the trick of putting the cable box on one channel lower than the Spice channel and the t.v. on channel 4 instead of 3. That's the day I graduated from pixelated to scrambled titties. My childhood was glorious!

You kids will never know the rush of hearing your dad coming down the hallway at 1 in the morning in the middle of a naked pixelated women binge then having to quickly turn off the t.v. and run back to your bedroom to pretend to be sleeping with your heart beating out of your chest...making it to your bed just in the nick of time. Talk about an adrenalin rush!  I can proudly say my speed and agility allowed me to NEVER be caught. Undefeated late night den-sneaking ninja from 1987 - 1993. My childhood was incredible!

Anyway...these are the last bag of chips my homie Eli brought me from Thailand. I have no idea what these are, but judging from the bag, it's some kind of seaweed/soy sauce flavor. This bag is really small, I finished it in about 39 seconds. Upon first bite, I get a medium savory/salty taste followed by an earthy umami type of finish. Pretty good! The consistency on these are more like a rice chip. Like a texture between cinnamon toast crunch and a cheese puff, but it works on this chip. Pretty good as a quick snack, but I don't think I would finish a larger bag. 3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I'm a very calm super nice guy, but because of my emotionless expression and monotone way of speaking, people sometimes get the wrong idea and I occasionally come across as "assholishly aggressive." Usually it's never an issue... unless I'm in a dentist's office.

It was time for me to get my usual dental check up. My insurance recently changed, so I had to find a new dentist. "No problem, but I ain't getting no punk ass x-rays" I thought to myself.  Prior to my appointment, I had some x-rays performed at my primary doctor's office the previous week. My independent Google research determined that I shouldn't be subjected to any further unnecessary radiation should my dentist request them. Besides, I grew up seeing how radiation ruined David Banner's life in that 70's tv show "The Incredible Hulk." Fuck that shit.

Im not afraid of dentists and actually look forward to my appointment, but because of the subconscious chip on my shoulder about x-rays, I was a tad apprehensive when checking in. The Dental Assistant calls my name and tells me I need x-rays (of course). I reply, "No I don't. I just had them six months ago. My teeth haven't changed in six months." Flustered, she quickly leaves the room. Just as quickly she returns saying "Well, we just need like 4 really quick ones." Without raising my voice, I very calmly told her that I wasn't trying to be difficult, but I really didn't think I needed them. She leaves again. This time, a very attractive black girl comes in. I immediately knew who she was and why she was summoned. She was my Negro Whisperer. They thought by sending a cute girl of my same race to talk to me in our ancient "Negro-speak" she'd be able to defuse the situation. "They sent you you in here to calm me down huh?" We both laughed and she relpied that she wasn't. She was the billing coordinator and said I needed to get them done for my insurance to cover the appointment. I relented, and the Dental Assistant returned and proceeded to take 57 xrays of my mouth. Well, maybe 57, I stopped counting after 13.

Negro Whisperer: 1.  Todd: 0.

Anyway, my very good friend and extremely funny comedian Eli grabbed these for me on his last trip to his Motherland. Upon first bite, intense flavors of paprika, savory sweet basil, and Thai chili hits my palate. These chips aren't too hot at all, but they possess an extremely smooth and subtle heat finish that perfectly compliments the basil flavor. There's another flavor that's distinctly Asian, but I can't quite identify it. Almost like a very mellow essence of fish sauce (which I'm not usually a fan of), but it's extremely mild. I tried to read the ingredients, but they're written in Thai. Whatever it is, it bridges the basil and chili flavors perfectly. These are really, really good! I wish I can get them in the States! 5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

*You can see the hilarious comedy of Eli here:
Eli Nicolas "Virgin No More."