Back when I was 16 and got my driver's license, I'd drive whatever was available. My Grandma's Toyota Corrola, the Delta 88 brougham, or in some cases my stepdad's custom van... known as The Mothership. The Mothership was covered in lights with a custom interior loaded with a television and you guessed it, more lights. We called it the Mothership not only because of the lights and it's gargantuan size, but whenever I drove it, once it landed dozens upon dozens of my fellow suburban thugs would disembark to cause havoc wherever we went.

I was only to drive it if it was absolutely necessary. One stormy rainy night while my parents were out of town, myself and about 13 other friends were chilling at my house. We recieved a call from some "bitches" (young ladies our age) informing us they were at the bowling alley. It was quickly apparent that this was one of those necessary situations. I was nervous because it was late at night with a serious thunder storm outside. Thunder, hail, and lightning wouldn't dissuade us! I loaded up the mothership, made the sign of the cross, hit all the switches to fully illuminate our vessel, and fired her up. We piled in like a Fellini version of Noah's Ark. Some had seats, others laid on the floor.  Driving down to the bowling alley, I could barely see in front of me because of all the sleet and fog. There were a few screams as we hydroplaned once or twice, but alas, we made it! We landed safely and met our strawberry lip gloss-wearing companions. Another successful voyage of The Mothership! It wouldn't be the last.

Anyway, my dear homie Chuck put me up on these via Instagram. I knew I had to try these. I wasn't disappointed! Upon first bite I get a savory, vinegary tang with a very smooth finish. They nailed the peperoncini flavor! Subtle flavor, then the umami flavor profiles explode in your mouth, finishing subtly once again. The kettle fried texture is the perfect canvas for this flavor. They are seasoned perfectly supported with a robust chip texture.  These are not hot whatsoever. They have the same heat profile as your typical bbq flavor. These taste like nothing I've had before. After I took the first bite, I wanted to go back in the store and buy another bag. These are a new favorite! 5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

When dating a chick with big boobs, be prepared for all of your friends and male family members to constantly give her hugs. When saying hi. When saying good bye. When they see her across the mall from 50 yards out and sprint over to say hi. When offering her the most random of congratulations. "Hey Todd's girlfriend, you got your car washed? Looks nice! Come here!" **Hugs Todd's girlfriend**

I just laughed at first. I'd been friends with these dudes for years and I've never witnessed the blatant hug shenanigans I saw. These dudes were too obvious! I'm not THAT jealous, so it was what it was. But the shit got old everytime we were leaving to go somewhere it took extra long because EVERYBODY had to get those hugs in. Those lingering, swaying, way too warm for just saying goodbye type hugs.

Anyway... You know that charred, fatty piece of grilled steak that melts so bombly in your mouth? Thats the flavor I get upon first bite of these.  Nice beefy, smoky, oniony flavor but very salty. So salty that if you eat too many without taking a break in between chips, your tastebuds get numb. The flavor is also very inconsistent from chip to chip. I don't know if that is from the accumulation of salt on my tongue or just inconsistent seasoning. Nice ruffled texture with a good crunch, but the salt and inconsistency brings these chips down. 2..75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Chillin' one summer Saturday night with my Girlfriend at Miyagi's on Sunset, I'd learn a valuable lesson...be careful when being a hero. The night started innocently enough. Myself, my girlfriend, and some of her friends decided to go out. Female friends. Usually nothing good happens when you're in a club with a bunch of chicks with no male back up of your own. This is the perfect recipe to be "caught slippin'." As we enter Miyagi's, a place I've been numerous times before, I spot two giant Mexican gangster dudes ("essays") and an eeny weeny ese with tattoos all over his head and face. They definitely didn't match the environment of patrons in a West Hollywood club. Growing up around my share of "essays" and knowing I was vulnerable being with nothing but chicks, I knew I had to be aware of these dudes whereabouts at all times. A few hours pass. I'm on my fourth Long Island ice tea and all is well!  Until I see the two larger cholos back this dude and his girlfriend into a booth. Maybe it was the Long Islands, maybe it was because the dude being harrassed reminded me of my little cousin...but something told me to help this dude out. At this time, I wasn't a small dude myself so I go over, take a sip of my Long Island ice tea with one hand and wedge my other arm in between the gamma radiation affected cholos and their victim. As I pulled them off, they both immediately turn around and come after me! As I take a step back to create a safe distance, the itty bitty ese I forgot about punched me square in my eye with all his might. My drunk mind thought, pretty cool...look at all the stars and shit! It was just like what happens in cartoons! As I turn around, without ever spilling a drop of my drink might I add, I see nothing but feet and fist flying...again, just like in a cartoon!  I take another sip and watch the carnage unfold while taking an ice cube out of my drink and holding on my eye. The room cleared, and all that was left was a big puddle of blood. THEIR blood. I guess the bouncers saw what happened and were just waiting for a reason to pounce on these dudes. I continued to drink the same drink I had in my hand throughout the confrontation and resumed my parlayin'. Wherever you are guy-getting-harassed-by-giant-essays...you owe me a drink.

Anyway, these Greektown Gyro chips are nasty and kinda good. Upon first bite, there is a very unpleasant taste of lamb. That gamey, nasty lamb taste that I know all too well. I love gyros, but the lamb is ususlly perfectly seasoned to eliminate any gamey-ness. Once you get past the nasty lamb flavor, the supporting flavors of tomato, onion, and a mild yogurt flavor make their appearance in the background. Once you eat a few, the lamb flavor gets somewhat subdued, making these more palatable. The kettle chip texture is nice, but that damn lamb flavor is hard to get over.  The tzatziki flavored Lay's chips are great. These, not so much. 2.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I spent some time in New Jersey for work. I wasn't there, too long, but it was definitely a memorable experience! Every morning I'd awake at 4 am to catch the subway from Jersey City into Newark. The main thing that struck me as odd was how nobody acknowledged anybody else. I hold the door open for someone, 50 people walk through without saying anything. Sure, that happens in California. But usually at least one out of every 3 people will say thanks or at least acknowledge your presence. Once a rabbi sat next to me in the only available seat on the train and put his groceries in my lap. Didn't ask. Didn't even look at me. He was elderly so I didn't say anything. I just smirked to myself at how he gave absolutely no fucks about putting his bags full of groceries on a strangers lap. Either that, or how unimposing of a figure I must've casted wearing a suit and tie listening to Hi-C and DJ Quik in my earbuds. Trying to talk to chicks on the train was also damn near impossible. I asked a girl how she was doing and she put her purse on the opposite side and just looked out the window. She eventually opened up and explained that nobody really talks to anybody in the subway. Maybe my opening was all wrong. I guess I should've slammed my bag down on her lap then said hi. All in all it was a cool experience, but I was glad to get back to the sunshine and traffic of California.

These chips are weird. Upon opening the bag, you get a strong smell of rye bread. So strong that if you leave the bag open, you can smell them from a few feet away. There are very distinct levels of flavor on this chip. First being the flavor of rye and pickles finishing off with the unmistakable flavor of thousand island dressing. The flavor was so strong that I didn't want to like these initially, but the more I ate them, the more I liked them. If you don't like rye bread, you probably won't like these. The rye flavor is the most prominent flavor. The thousand island flavor borders on off putting, but there's such a savory component to these that I keep eating them. Enjoying them more with each bite. I almost love them. I almost hate them. 3.5 on the chip mack scale.

Grits can be a passionate subject. Just ask Al Green (Google it, you won't be disappointed). One morning, I made my country ass girlfriend and I some grits for breakfast. I prepared mine like I have always done, butter/salt/pepper and I like to put scrambled eggs on top because I'm a thug like that. I served hers plain so she could put her own personalized amount of butter/salt/pepper in her grits. To my utter shock and horror, this chick proceeded to put butter and sugar ALL UP IN HER GRITS! My eyes bulged. My heart raced.  I wanted to grab her bowl and throw it across the room!  A voice screamed in my head "bitch, what are you doing?!" Luckily, I'm more of a gentleman so I calmly asked "bitch, what are you doing?" She told me her family always put sugar and butter in our grits and only country people put salt and pepper in their grits. Seeing red and beginning to sweat, I informed her that it was indeed backwards country bammers that put sugar in their grits, not the other way around. Grits caused a chasm in our relationship that led to its demise a year later. Go into any room with 10 or more Black people inside and ask everybody how they like their grits. I promise you a fight will break out.

On to the review! Upon first bite, I get a strong herb-chicken/sausage-like flavor with a subtle cream base. These remind me of the Chicken and Waffle Flavor from a few years ago minus the maple syrup. Once again, perfectly balanced flavors! Lay's is always consistent with balance of flavors. The sour cream base mutes the strong herb flavors just enough to create an enjoyable creamy, smooth experience in your mouth. I like these! Strong 4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I've been a lot of places, but there's no place like home! From the gas lamp of San Diego, to the Raincross of Riverside, to beaches of Orange County, to the city where people come from all over the world to achieve their dreams...I'm proud to call Southern California my home. Every freeway has a memory for me. Every city it's own personal story. It's more than just about the weather for me, it's also about the people...the ambience that unless you grew up here, is hard to put into words. When I tell my clients that I'm familiar with most cities in California, I'm sure they find it hard to believe. Growing up in a city where I'm literally 45 mins from all the above places I mentioned, I made sure to venture out and experience my surroundings. One of my favorite things to do before gasoline required a credit check or co-signer was to jump in my car, throw in some DJ Quik or Above The Law and just drive. Often my journeys would lead me down the California coast, others, I'd discover a new gem of a mom and pop sandwich spot. I can go on and on. For the sake of the length of this post I'll keep it short.  Just know that long before I was the Chip Mack, I was the West Coast Villain.

On to the review! Upon first bite, I'm surprised at how subdued the flavor is on this chip. I immediately get a subtle  hint of that pungent, earthy truffle flavor supported by a salty garlicky parmesan cheese flavor. As usual with most Lay's chips, the flavors are prefectly balanced. They were right to put this flavor on the more robust wavy chip. The texture is complementary to the flavor. My only issue is the flavor is too subtle. I almost had to eat half the bag to get a good analysis of the flavors. I wish that familiar pungent umami flavor of the truffle was more in the forefront. Good chip, but because the flavors are more on the dull side, I rate these a 3.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Walking in the wee hours of the late night/early morning on the Streets of San Francisco a few years back, my chick at the time and I stumbled in to one of the few establishments that were still open at 2 am. This greek restaurant that was obviously closed, but allowed us to come in as they were putting chairs up on the table and cleaning up for the night. I was drunk, my girlfriend was drunk, and what we didn't know was the whole staff of this humble greek restaurant made up of cousins and uncles were about to join us in inebriation and tear shit up! The guy who let us in happened to be the owner of the restaurant. He sat us down, brought out a plate of curly fries with ranch dressing (that we didn't order), and proceeded to give us a shot of some horrible flavored liquor I'd never had before along with a story. He began to tell us this libation was the source of Greek beauty. This libation was the reason all of the homeless winos in Greece are tanned and look like Olympic sprinters. This potent liqueur was called Fernet...and because of this night, would soon become a staple in my liquor cabinet. Two shots later, my body felt warm and numb. Three shots later, this black liquid I was tossing down my throat became wonderfully delicious! Five shots with him and his family later, a celebration broke out typically only reserved for weddings. Greek music blared, the short order cooks and waitresses started smashing plates and dancing around the shards of sharp porcelain. Old and young were partying and dancing like someone won the lottery!  They treated us, two random strangers from out of town, like family they haven't seen in years.  Looking for a bite to eat after the club with my hyna turned into one of the funnest nights I've ever had with complete strangers!  On the way out I asked him what the celebration was for. With a wink and a smile he answered. ""It's Saturday."

On to the review! As I was walking into Costco, my keen eyes fixated on this lady's shopping cart that contained a thirty seven pound bag of Lay's potato chips with coloring and lettering I've never seen before on a bag of Lay's. I knew I had to find out what this flavor was up close! As I got up close...Greek Tzatziki! As soon as I got in the car I took a picture for my review and ripped into the bag. These are incredible! They taste exactly like that sauce on top of the gyros I get from The Lucky Greek. Onion, cucumber held together with a light tangy almost blue cheesy yogurt flavor. I'm not a fan of blue cheese, so don't let that sway you if you're not either. I happen to know that  "gyro flavor" Lay's will be released this summer as part of the Lay's Do Us A Flavor contest. This flavor will be on a kettle chip as part of the contest, but I love the flavor on the wavy ruffled chip I tested. 5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

As y'all know by now, I grew up a huge fan of all things martial arts. I was blessed to have a little sister and younger cousins on which to hone my deadly skills. I had unwilling and not usually cooperative sparring partners anytime I felt like it. Like I said, blessings.

One hot summer day, while in the supermarket shopping for a family bbq, 10 year old Todd and his little "brother" cousin Ryan ventured off to the magazine rack. Skimming across my usual grocery store favorite reads of Pro Wrestling Illustrated and Muscle and Fitness, I see Kung Fu magazine with the headline "Learn the Dim Mak!"  I knew what the Dim Mak was from countless movies and claims from martial arts masters that you could end the life of your opponent with one touch. I had to learn this invincible technique!  Since young Ryan was conveniently next to me, I looked at the accompanying anatomy chart explaining in detail what points to touch to make my opponent immediately succumb in quiet agony.  I used my tiger claw to gently strike under Ryan's armpit, then another spot above his shoulder blade. With each gentle tap I asked Ryan "you feel that...you feel weird?" Ryan was patient and unquestioning in his participation. Of course I didn't explain my intentions. Had he known the result of the technique, I'm sure he wouldn't have been so happy to let me practice on him.

The time came to leave the store and on the ride home, the horror began to set in my belly. What have I done?! The entire ride home and the remainder of the day I nervously watched Ryan, looking for any sign of convulsion or his imminent demise. How would I explain this to my Aunt and Uncle? I screwed up big time! This was 1988...Google or the internet hadn't been invented yet. Hell, we didn't even have a computer! If it were, I would have feverishly Googled "Dim Mak Undo" or something similar. That was the scariest, worst bbq of my life. I didn't tell anyone then, nor have I ever uttered this story to anyone since. Luckily, Ryan survived the night and we went on to have numerous adventures together as teens and adults. Some of which will be shared in future posts, others I'll save for drunken family get togethers.

My very alive and healthy cousin Ryan got these for me on his last trip to the Motherland...New Orleans. Upon first bite, I get an excellently textured kettle type chip with a generous amount of seasoning and spices. So much spice that it's too overwhelming to immediately seperate all of the flavors. As I continue eating the chips, I can taste all of the spices familiar to me from all of the crawfish boils my family had growing up. I can taste hints of cayenne pepper, paprika,  smoky overtones, with brown sugary sweet undertones. Maybe its a bit psychosomatic, but I swear I even taste hints of crawfish. These are a bit salty, but in a good way. Especially if paired with your favorite ice cold beer of your choice. 4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

There is a dark side in the world of comedy that you never hear about. Well, I'm gonna shed some light on it. I'm talmbout comedy beef.

Most comedians will never tell you, but I'd guess 90% of comedians have that one arch nemesis comedian that they don't like. Rivalries often start because of jealousy, comedy politics (more on that later), or one party thought a joke was stolen. I've seen and heard about actual hands being laid upon other comedians for these very reasons.

I'm gonna tell you about mine.

When I started doing comedy back in 2009, I called so many places looking for stage time. Getting actual stage time is one of the hardest things to do as a comedian. Especially when you're new and live outside of LA. I was referred by a fellow comedian to call a dude by the name of "Tennessee Tony" that booked a show at a club in LA. After asking how I could get some time on his show, he informed me that it was a basic "bringer" show. Meaning if I could bring 5 people I'd get 5 minutes onstage. If I brought more people, I'd get more time. I told Tennessee that I lived about an hour away and it would be too hard for me to bring that many people out on a Monday night. He understood but still invited me to at least come check out the show. Cool guy!

As luck would have it, I ran into Tennessee at an open mic a few days later. When he got onstage people started leaving. I'd find out why later. He did a 40 minute set primarily riffing off the top of his head about how since he's been out in California, he's been disappointed by so many of his idols he met in person. Most of his disappointment came from the fact that a lot of Black entertainers don't help each other out once they're in a position to do so. He went on and on saying if he ever made it he'd give brothers a chance. I was so impressed with his rant that I went up to him to give the obligatory "nice set." I introduced myself by saying I was the comic that just spoke to him on the phone a few days ago. He laughed and said he understood how hard it is to do comedy outside of LA and that if I wanted, I could come down next week to do 5 minutes. I thanked him and he shot me a Hollywood wink and pound saying "I got you."

I was only doing comedy a few months at the time, so I was excited to perform at an actual club! I was so excited I wrote an entirely new 5 minute set. Most comedians will tell you 5 minutes don't come easy and they don't. It can sometime take months to hone 5 minutes. I busted my ass all week writing that 5 minute set.

When the next Monday finally rolled around I was more than ready. I took one of my good friends with me and we headed off in Monday traffic to the club. As I got inside, I waited to catch Tennessee Tony alone to thank him again for the 5 minute set. When I did, this dude flashed on me on some Ike Turner type shit! "FIVE MINUTES?! Nigga fuck that, you gettin' THREE!" Then turned his back and walked off.

Ho...ly....shit! I immediately started sweating. My heart began to race. Was this dude really trying to play me backstage in front of other comedians? I almost grabbed that fool by his neck,  but I didn't. It happened so fast I was in shock. Then I realized I was the second comedian up and now had to quickly try and edit my 5 minute set down to 3. A set I worked so hard on all week. I had no time to choke this fruitcake out. Stage time was more important.

The show started. Luckily, the host Tennessee Tony lived up to his reputation of being a buster by doing 30 minutes to open the show and another 10 minutes of material in between each comedian. I'm not exaggerating! By the time I actually got up my head was still spinning that I let another grown man speak to me like that. My 3 minutes came and went. I respected the light and got off right on time. I could've ran the light, but unlike Tennessee I actually thought about the other comedians on the line up that  brought people out on a Monday night to see them perform.

The show ended and me and my homie went to the Roscoe's down the street. Atfer we finished eating and laughing what about happened, I spotted Tennessee sitting in a booth with a few other comics. I went over to bury the hatchet. As I stood over him I thanked him for the 3 minutes and asked about the misunderstanding. Without looking at me he stated "yeah, whateva, nigga" and took a bite of his food. All without ever even looking in my direction. That cemented it. This fruitcake proved himself to be exactly that. A fruitcake.

To this day he is the only person, comedian or not, that I honestly do not like.

On to the review! I've been seeing people posting about these Doritos Roulette chips the past few weeks. I finally got to try them! upon first bite I was kinda concerned wondering how hot they would be. First bite, regular Dorito flavor. Nothing special. So then, as I usually eat chips, I grabbed a few fingers full and shoved them into my mouth. Gradually the heat began to build up, but nothing crazy. I'd say they're just about the same level as flaming hot cheetos, but the heat doesn't linger as long. The hotter chips have an almost Tabasco flavored undernote.

Not bad, but nothing special. 3.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Anything to impress a girl you're interested in. Even if that means going to a gay club...in SAN FRANCISCO!

The girl that would eventually become my ex-girlfriend invited me to accompany her on a business trip to San Francisco after two months of dating. She also invited her gay friend "Jim," or as my future ex-girlfriend called him, her "sassy" friend.

Her sassy friend Jim was celebrating a birthday that weekend. Unbeknownst to me, the plans that night were to go to the hottest gay club in a city known for it's gay population.

Once we arrived, I realized immediately we were at a male friendly club because not only was everybody in line male (not unusual for any club), but the door man was a hairy, bare chested, bald headed, mustachioed man in leather pants. Not stereotyping, but something just screamed "gay club" to me.  I wasn't wrong by a long shot!

Walking into the club, I was a little on guard. I'd never been to an all male club where all the guys were interested in each other.  I'm not judgemental nor do I have a problem or ill will toward the LGBT community. Every human deserves respect. That being said, I was still nervous as hell once I went to the restroom and noticed the walls were made of transparent glass! I can say I pee'd in an invisible restroom in front of hundreds of gay men...in San Francisco. Shy bladder? Apparently not!

By nature, I'm very inquisitive. I like to learn about and experience different cultures and ways of life. After a few (5) drinks and a couple (4) of shots I loosened up a bit, and loosened the tremendously powerful headlock I had had around my future ex-girlfriend's arm. I actually started to have an amazing time!

I gotta say gay dudes in their own safe environment know how to have a good time! I danced with my future ex-girlfriend the whole time to some of the best music I've ever heard in a club without worrying about my eyes wandering, politely turned down several offers to have drinks bought for me, and realized the difference between a "what's up" head nod and a "whaaat's uuuup" head nod between dudes are surprisingly similar...much to my chagrin.

All in all the night was memorable and I had a newfound respect and understanding for those with a different lifestyle other than my own. I got super drunk,  met some really good people, made out with the hottest and ONLY girl in the club, and got my ass slapped anonymously...karma from my dunken hands at college parties in my youth...can't be mad at that!

Anyway...these are the best healthy alternative chips I've had in a long time! These are delicious! Made from kale, sweet potatoes, and other vegetables but without that stale bland "healthy taste." The flavor is korean bbq,  but upon first bite I get a sweet-spicy-smokey flavor with just a hint of sweet potato aftertaste. It works! These are low in fat/carbs and is a great option for your cheat day or that occasional need for something salty and crunchy when dieting. 4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I've had a few punk ass jobs. One of, if not THE worst job I ever had was when I worked at the downtown Riverside public library when I was 16. It freakin' sucked!

After school Monday through Thursday and the occassional Saturday, I'd work the longest 4 hours I'd ever work in life. My days consisted of doing all the shit librarians didn't, which was basically everything. Organizing entire sections of the library, checking in returned books, putting books on the shelves back in alphabetical order...wack shit. The absolute worse thing the weirdo librarians had me do was kick out the homeless people that would often go upstairs to read a book but would actually be napping. Most of the homeless were good people and never caused any disturbances. Usually they would go upstairs to a nice air conditioned reading cubicle in the corner and inconspicuously sleep. I never had the heart to kick any of them out.

The libriarians were the actual menace. One of the other library pages (my official title) caught one jacking off in the film room. Dude was never fired! After that incident I always called him "the jack of all trades." He never liked that very much. Buster ass weirdo.

My employment finally came to an end when I caught a cold and called off one Saturday. When I nonchalantly returned 3 weeks later, the creepy librarians ambushed me. The head weirdo called me into her office and handed me a letter without saying a word. Inside was my first pink slip. I knew the librarians were introverted non confrontational people, so I took this opportunity to give one of my best acting performance of all time! It was reminiscent of Denzel Washington's "King Kong aint got shit on me" soliloquy years before Training Day was released. I was inches away from throwing something just to further freak her out. I wasn't even mad! I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to freak out one of the strange librarians one last time. One of my proudest moments began with an intense "Oh so y'all trying to fire me" and ended with a menacingly smooth "you can't fire me 'cause I quit!" It's still a warm memory for me.

Anyway, these chips are WACK!  See the marvelous red color? Well, it's strictly decoration because these chips have an extremely subdued flavor. You barely taste the the red pepper or any other flavor that's advertised. Good tortilla chip with that excellent Tostito texture, but why even bother to flavor them with barely detectable ingredients? 2.5 outta 5 on the chipmack scale.

The year is 1996. Young teen Todd is sitting in a Denny's booth with several of his associates on a late Saturday night. The buzzing on his hip alerts him to ignore his "moons over my hammy" for a few seconds as he pulls a small black box out of his pocket. As he presses the small grey button to reveal the phone number, he utters the phrase "this chick blowin' me up" in an effort to prove to his associates he is indeed a young man much admired and in demand by the ladies. He cooly exits the booth and fluidly strolls to the payphone located next to the motorized claw arcade game. He dials the number and as all young pimps do, he states into the phone's receiver "Hi mom...yeah, I'm at Denny's..."

The pager days! We didn't have cell phones like that back then. It was all about pagers and payphones when you were out in these streets trying to make it. Whether for business or romance, it was all about that pager life! So much so, that we even developed codes to use so payphones weren't always necessary. We were "texting" years before texting was even a thing.

We even had pager codes to identify who was calling if we were calling from an unrecognizable number. If you played sports, it was probably your jersey number. If you were a girl from Moreno Valley, it was probably #69. My code was #187 because when people saw it, they'd ALWAYS call me right away. ALWAYS.

Anyway, these Salsa Pringles are great! Excellent texture of a corn chip that supports the slightly tangy, salty, zesty flavors of salsa. Pringles are notorious for being inconsistent with the level of seasoning depending on which can you randomly happen to purchase. Regardless, the three cans I had were all delicious. 4.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale!

It's that time of year! All gyms across the country will be packed with new members with New Year resolutions of FINALLY getting in shape. It was the best time of year when I was a personal trainer. My pesos turned to pennies!

I've had some pretty amazing clients throughout my 5 year tenure as a 24 Hour Fitness Trainer Fit Pro, but there was one that topped them all.

She came to me by chance one day for one of her two free training sessions that members get when they enroll at the gym. This lady was overweight, out of shape, and very nervous about training with a strange dude. Not uncommon for a new potential client. She complained the entire time. Everything was too hard, too heavy, too many reps. I didn't look forward to training her to say the least. After our second session I gave her my regular "spiel." "I'll give you everything you need to change your life. I recommend x amount of sessions to reach your goal. If you really want it, we can get you there together." I've said it thousands of times, but I meant it every single time I said it.

She signed up for 10 sessions. I trained her 2 times a week for five weeks. Every session I taught her what exercises did what and why. We'd discuss how her diet was going and we'd make changes. 5 weeks later she lost 12 lbs. and was no longer nervous to train on her own!

Over the course of a few years she'd come back to train with me every few months. Sometimes in training packages of 5 sessions once a week. Sometimes in training packages 20 sessions twice a week for 10 weeks. Over all of these sessions we had many ups and downs. Weigh ins where she gained a pound after busting her butt in the gym and counting every calorie. There were tears shed and hugs given. We got to know each other very personally. She eventually became like family, not just a client.

The complaining gradually stopped with each week. Soon she became my best client. There wasn't any exercise I couldn't put her through...no matter how exotic or difficult! The time came for her to go on her own. For good.

After not seeing her for a few months, I recieved a package at the gym. Enclosed was a picture of my client in a two piece bikini on the beach in Hawaii with a very heartfelt letter attached. She looked amazing! She looked happy! I had goosebumps and my eyes began to tear. I could never imagine this shy homely looking middle aged lady becoming a confident fitness powerhouse that totally changed her life and her lifestyle! She gave me the confidence that my "spiel" was true. My "spiel" could be powerful. She was my best client. Ever.

On to the review! I grabbed these at my local GNC picking up some protein powder. Upon first bite, the texture got me more than anything. These chips are very thin. Good crunch, but dissolves into a semi-powdery substance in your mouth. The bbq flavor isn't bad, but because these chips are made from milk products, there is an unmistakable "milkish protein powder" after taste that any protein shake consumer knows all too well. Cool product because of the whopping 21 grams of protein, but not the best chip if you want a quick snack. Great for those on a pre-contest diet, but because of the taste, I'm giving these a 2.75 outta 5 on the chipmack scale.

Oh yes, the phrase that brings butterflies to my stomach because I've heard it too many times before. Hey dog, you need to check your girl! I used to have a penchant for loud mouthed ("feisty") broads. They would bring a certain excitement to my life. Besides, I was impervious to most of their bitchery. My verbally reckless female companions would soon learn that Todd didn't play that shit, so eventually they learned not to cross the line with me. I'd never get violent, that was never even an option due to my pacifistic nature and growing up with two little sisters. I'd simply just out crazy them. Trust me, that was a sight to behold! I deserve a few Oscars for those performances.

All of my fighting crazy with crazy didn't stop them from unleashing their fury on other people. Especially other dudes. Especially other dudes WAY bigger than me.

I once went to a club with my girlfriend that had 5 too many lemon drops. Lemon drop martinis had the same effect on her as gamma radiation had on David Banner...catastrophe and destruction was soon to follow. She felt it in her duty to go up to a group of guys and tell them how corny they were dancing. They were crip walking. Legitimately crip walking, not "c" walking . There's a difference. She was a genius. 

A dude saw me coming and yelled "Hey... you need to check yo girl. For real cuz." Checking commenced immediately and we got the fuck out of there. Unscathed.

She actually mouthed off to a "cop" in Mexico on a 10 speed with a glock on his hip. Yelling at him in Spanish! He tried to shake me down for $300 for talking on my cell phone while driving. I don't know what he said to me in Spanish as she was going ape shit but I'm sure it was along the lines of "checking my girl." I checked her all the way to the border. That broad gave me an asthma attack. Amazingly, the "cop" caught up to us before crossing and gave me my money back. He must've thought she was somebody important's daughter they way she yelled at him in his native language. Sometimes "feisty" broads can come in handy.

Anyway...these chips were somewhat of a let down.  Upon first bite, I get a strong vinegary peppery flavor with no heat and very little ranch flavor. I had high hopes because I enjoyed the Pringles buffalo flavor so much. These are good, but not as consistently balanced flavor wise. A good chip, but could've been much better. 3 outta 5 on the chipmack scale.

The year was 1994. It was the fall of my Senior year in high school.  This year would go down in infamy as the year a young Chipmack would get played by who would become his arch ememy...the Cheeseburger Pimp.

After a typical high school day of eating flaming hot cheetos and turning down a few hyna's invitations to "scam,"  me and my cronies would head down the McDonald's up the street.  Famished, and with only two dollars and a few nickels and dimes in my Raiders starter jacket, I had just enough to get two McDonald's cheeseburgers.  When you're starving from only eating a bag of hot cheetos and drinking two grape Snapples the whole day, two hot punk-ass McDonald's cheeseburgers might as well be a porterhouse steak from Mastro's. I was looking forward to sinking my teeth into them to say the least.

The visor wearing big tittied girl behind the counter calls my number.  I anxiously but smoothly as a young Billy Dee Williams grab the tray and head back to the booth to reconnect with my jnco jean wearing associates. I open the first wrapper...FUCK! To my horror it was just two buns and melted cheese! I open the second wrapper to the same emotionally draining revelation of meatless malady.  I was pissed. Hurt. Filled with rage.

I walk up to the counter and I see him. Laughing. A dude that I had no love for and that had no love for me. High school beef was real. He played me. Played me hard. I refused to order another cheeseburger in fear that he'd rub his nuts on the patty...or worse...rub his nuts on the patty AND the bun. Going to the manager also wasn't an option because I wasn't then nor am I now "bitch-made." I took that loss. But I have never forgotten. I never will.

Anyway....these Stax cheeseburger flavored chips are aiiight.  Upon first bite, I get a pickly cheesey mustardy oniony taste with a mellow undertone of something that I guess can be described as "meaty."  These remind me EXACTLY of McDonald's cheeseburgers.  Not bad, not great, but definitely snackable. 3 outta 5 on the chipmack scale.

I began training Brazilian (Gracie) jiu jitsu 8 yrs ago as a means of varying my workout. I hate cardio! I needed a way to stay active that I enjoyed enough to be consistent with it. I was looking for a boxing club, but I stumbled upon an ad for a Royce Gracie school instead. Thank God I did!

Jiu jitsu has not only kept me in good shape, but has given me friendships and life lessons money can't buy. These gifts were given to me only by sacrificing countless hours, blood, pain, and sweat on the mat.

One lesson in particular I recalled the other day training with some friends. I don't compete often. Training under Royce is definitely not geared towards points and tournaments. But I have from time to time for fun.

The last tournament I did was a year ago or so against a very tough, stocky guy. As the match began, I was very hesitant. Looking to stay away from his hips so I wouldn't be thrown into oblivion. The feeling each other out went on for what felt like 15 mins...it was only a few moments until he blitzed me. He charged me with a. double leg takedown. Sending us both 3 mats over and on top of some other competitors. We restarted in my guard. I looked for his collar. Got it! Sneaked my other hand in to finish the choke. Got it again! As I'm watching his lips turn purple (that's why I love chokes...you can tell when its working), I relax...big mistake! He pushed his forearm against my face (the dreaded crossface) causing me to let go of the choke. He stands to pass my guard.

As we both stand up, I look at the timer. Only a few seconds remain! To my surprise, they gave him points for the earlier takedown out of bounds! With a sense of urgency, I drop to his legs securing a sweep. I sweep him, and attempt to mount for the win! As I get up to mount, he beat me to it. I came up too wide and was out of position. My opponent then grabs my pants, throws my legs, and secures north south position as time expires.

I learned two inportant lessons. One, keep my head next to my opponent when choking! Two, when things look their bleakest...you ALWAYS have options! My choke has since gotten better, and my spirit calmer in times of distress.

On to the review! Upon first bite, these are almost indistinguishable from the Jacked Cheesy Enchilada flavor I reviewed a while back. Very zesty with strong overnotes of sour cream and chili powder. Being from California...our street tacos don't have sour cream or cheese on them. I was hoping Doritos would stay true and give us a flavor with more onion, beef, hot sauce, cilantro...etc. Alas, it's only a name, and these are still pretty good! 3.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

As a bonus to you guys...you can see the match I described above here: NABJJF Match

Milli Vanilli was the shit. Girl You Know It's True, Blame It On The Rain, Girl I'm Gonna Miss You....you couldn't turn on the radio or the t.v. in 1990 without seeing or hearing Rob or Fab running around the stage or giving each other flying chest bumps. They rocked the braids five years before Brandy. They made spandex popular for (some) guys fifteen years before Under Armor. Rob and Fab were true pioneers.  Unfortunately, they will always be remembered for fakin' the funk.  You see, it turns out they were lip syncing the entire time.  How silly were we to not realize that although they sang in perfect English on their records, you could barely understand their broken English in interviews? Poor Milli Vanilli. People were pissed. The public began burning records. Late night talk show hosts parodying them any chance they got. I almost felt bad for them...until they tried to sing for real at the press conference. Google it....its fucking hilarious.

Anyway, I was skeptical because of my varied experience with jalapeno flavored anything. Luckily, my skepticism was put to rest.  These are the real deal!  Upon first bite, I get a gloriously fresh "green" flavor of jalapeno. I mean it tastes like an actual fresh jalapeno!  A nice medium to sharp cheddar flavor supports the flavors of potato, salt, and jalapeno beautifully.  I'm also diggin' the texture of these. Very solid crunch yet crumbles fairly easy.  4.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Lay's played it safe on this one. How can you go wrong with bacon and cheese anything? You can't. Bacon is a gift from God. Bacon is the reason we look forward to breakfast. Bacon is also the reason there has been an epidemic of white chicks with big bootys. Gotta love that calorically dense food!

These are good...but nothing special. Upon first bite, I'm surprised at how mellow the flavors are. There isn't a flavor "pop" like I was expecting. I get a very subtle smoky bacon-y flavor reminiscent of bacon grease (in a good way) along with an undernote of very mild cheddar. They're good...but very safe. You'll enjoy these but they won't rock your world.  4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Wasabi is the shit, son! I love that teary eyed sinus burning rush you get when it hits the back of your throat just right. I mix it in my soy sauce when eating sushi (a faux pas but fuck it...I thug out like that). I make a BOMB onion ring sauce by mixing wasabi, ketchup, and mayonaise. Try it...I promise you'll thank me for that recipe! Wasabi...the magical root.

Due to my love of wasabi, I was anxious to try these. Upon first bite, I get the distinct albeit mellow burn of wasabi followed by a succinct and complimentary ginger flavor bridged together perfectly with a subtle soy sauce flavor. You get two different burns...one in the back of your throat from the wasabi, then one on the front of your tongue from the ginger. The burn is extremely gentle, making these chips more enjoyable for everyone. The soy sauce is the Jam Master Jay to the Wasabi and Ginger's Run DMC. These chips are addicting! Definitely a chip that stands by itself and should be eaten alone. 4.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I'll try anything once. In all of my adventures as The Chip Mack I've never not finished a bag of chips. These may be the first. I think the Mango Salsa flavor is Lay's middle finger to the public so we can learn NEVER to ask them to put a fruit flavor on a potato chip EVER again.

Upon first bite...forget that...upon opening the bag the aroma of mango hit me in the face like that dude hit Snooki at the club. Incredibly strong mango flavor up front although there is a nice subtlety of spice underneath. The first bite was repulsive. The second bites were better as the mango flavor subsided and the notes of onion and tomato ventured more to the forefront of my palate. After awhile however, these tatse like bbq chips with mango flavored candy on top. I did not enjoy these. 1.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I'm not a super fan of coffee. Don't get me wrong, I like it, but I'm sensitive to caffeine and shit. It makes me jittery, and I swear it makes girls taste funny. Think the opposite effect of pineapple juice and I think you'll catch my drift. So ladies, if your man ain't (rhymes with "beating you out"), you may wanna lay off the Starbucks. And please don't fret, I won't be doing a coochie taste test review site anytime soon...Im just saying.

Anyway, this flavor is the first I'm trying of the 2014 Lay's Do Us A Flavor contest. Cappuccino! Upon first bite, I get an amazingly accurate, almost overwhelming taste of the coffee flavor follwed by an equally strong taste of cinnamon with hints of brown sugar and a buttery finish. I'm guessing the cinnamon is so strong to balance out the strong coffee flavor. Surprisingly, these flavors work well on a chip. These taste almost identical to the Chicken and Waffle flavor last year. Just replace the chicken flavor with coffee and you have Lay's Cappuccino flavored potato chips. I liked them more than I thought I would, but theses lack "re-eatability."  2.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

On the advice of a friend, I tried these. I've seen these Ruffles Fries for a while. Like a tan girl in booty shorts with a pony tail, they caught my eye, but I figured there'd always be time to try them later. Procrastination, my biggest enemy. There are so many pony-tailed big booty chicks I should've hollered at but didn't because I waited.  Girl with the lip gloss in front of me in Albertsons, I'm sorry. It's my fault you missed out on a chance to meet all this man.  These chips could've fell along those lines too.  I'm glad my friend nudged me enough to want to go out and try them!

These are pretty good! Upon first bite, these are a lot more zestier than I imagined. immediately I get hints of garlic and onion flavors along with fantastic sharp cheddar cheese holding it all together. That's a potato chip secret, dress up your flavors with shit you know compliments your main flavor. The cheese is Michael Jordan...the garlic and onion...Scottie Pippen. The texture is a lot more solid than Chester's Fries, providing a good crunch but not so rough that it shreds the inside of your mouth.  The back of the bag suggests you try them hot. I did. The flavors definitely pop more when heated in the microwave. 4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

My taste test of the Doritos Test flavors is now complete. There is no contest....the Test Flavor 855 is by far the winner!   Although they left my clothes covered in red powder and constantly answering the question "What's up Blood?" all day, I super enjoyed these.

Upon first bite, I get a spicy vinegary flavor with a superbly deliciously smooth sour cream essence followed by a mellow spicy kick. If I had to guess the flavor it'd be loaded spicy taco. These almost taste like a cross between the Jacked Enchilada and Buffalo Ranch flavors.  GREAT flavors that hit you like a jab-elbow-uppercut combo.  Just make sure to bite these with your eyes closed because they are so heavily seasoned the powder gets everywhere....including your eyes. I learned that the hard way.  3.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I'm afraid of monsters and shit. There, I've said it out loud. A fear that has stuck with me since childhood.  It's not a paralyzing fear, but I'm always cautious when entering a dark kitchen late at night for a midnight snack. When washing my face alone late at night in the shower, I rinse my face as fast as I can see if a monster hand is trying to grab me. Sleeping with my bare feet off the edge of the bed? Hell no! I've also kicked in a few doors when coming home late at night and I've forgotten to leave lights on. Don't get me wrong, I know monsters don't exist, but I'm not gonna get caught slipping just in case.  Just in case.

Anyway, these new Bacon and Cheddar Ruffles are the SHIT!  The chip is thicker to handle the deeper ridges. Because of the thicker texture, there's a heavier potato flavor that perfectly compliments the bacon and cheddar flavor.  I was also pleasantly surprised to see and taste the specks of green onion on the chip.  Great texture, nicely seasoned with great flavors,  great chip! 5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale!

I miss having crushes on bitches. It's been so long! I don't know if it's something you grow out of, or if it's just a matter of not being exposed to "crush worthy" chicks as often as when you're in school. Either way, I miss it! I miss the mystery of that special one person that you've had your eye on for some time. Hiding in the bushes, trying to find out her name, seeing where she lives and works....ahhh....the good old days.

Anyway,  these chips have my mind in a knot. Let's start with the blue bag known as Test Flavor 2653. Upon first bite I get an immediate intense smoke flavor with bbq like spices. The finish is noticeably sweet with a mellow spicy kick. I don't know, these taste like a unique bbq flavor to me. Nothing too special.  Looking at the ingredients to give me a hint; I see chocolate liqueur, cocoa powder, natural bacon type flavor.  Are these supposed to be molé flavored?! Because a good portion of my rating is how well the advertised flavor is recreated on the chip,  I can only rate based on pure flavor and enjoyment because I have no idea what these are. 3.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Now for the yellow bag aka Test Flavor 404. Upon first bite I get a MAJOR kick of ginger. These are obviously Asian inspired.  I don't know what the flavor is supposed to be, but I taste a deliciously strong ginger note up front with finishes of onion and very well balanced citrus flavors. Although ginger is not listed in the ingredients,  I taste it. It's real to me damnit!  Again, because I don't know what this flavor is I'm basing my rating on pure taste and enjoyment.  These are unique and unlike anything I've ever tasted. It's a cool experience,  but they get a little too "citrusy" for my taste after a few bites. 3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.