As y'all know by now, I grew up a huge fan of all things martial arts. I was blessed to have a little sister and younger cousins on which to hone my deadly skills. I had unwilling and not usually cooperative sparring partners anytime I felt like it. Like I said, blessings.

One hot summer day, while in the supermarket shopping for a family bbq, 10 year old Todd and his little "brother" cousin Ryan ventured off to the magazine rack. Skimming across my usual grocery store favorite reads of Pro Wrestling Illustrated and Muscle and Fitness, I see Kung Fu magazine with the headline "Learn the Dim Mak!"  I knew what the Dim Mak was from countless movies and claims from martial arts masters that you could end the life of your opponent with one touch. I had to learn this invincible technique!  Since young Ryan was conveniently next to me, I looked at the accompanying anatomy chart explaining in detail what points to touch to make my opponent immediately succumb in quiet agony.  I used my tiger claw to gently strike under Ryan's armpit, then another spot above his shoulder blade. With each gentle tap I asked Ryan "you feel that...you feel weird?" Ryan was patient and unquestioning in his participation. Of course I didn't explain my intentions. Had he known the result of the technique, I'm sure he wouldn't have been so happy to let me practice on him.

The time came to leave the store and on the ride home, the horror began to set in my belly. What have I done?! The entire ride home and the remainder of the day I nervously watched Ryan, looking for any sign of convulsion or his imminent demise. How would I explain this to my Aunt and Uncle? I screwed up big time! This was 1988...Google or the internet hadn't been invented yet. Hell, we didn't even have a computer! If it were, I would have feverishly Googled "Dim Mak Undo" or something similar. That was the scariest, worst bbq of my life. I didn't tell anyone then, nor have I ever uttered this story to anyone since. Luckily, Ryan survived the night and we went on to have numerous adventures together as teens and adults. Some of which will be shared in future posts, others I'll save for drunken family get togethers.

My very alive and healthy cousin Ryan got these for me on his last trip to the Motherland...New Orleans. Upon first bite, I get an excellently textured kettle type chip with a generous amount of seasoning and spices. So much spice that it's too overwhelming to immediately seperate all of the flavors. As I continue eating the chips, I can taste all of the spices familiar to me from all of the crawfish boils my family had growing up. I can taste hints of cayenne pepper, paprika,  smoky overtones, with brown sugary sweet undertones. Maybe its a bit psychosomatic, but I swear I even taste hints of crawfish. These are a bit salty, but in a good way. Especially if paired with your favorite ice cold beer of your choice. 4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

There is a dark side in the world of comedy that you never hear about. Well, I'm gonna shed some light on it. I'm talmbout comedy beef.

Most comedians will never tell you, but I'd guess 90% of comedians have that one arch nemesis comedian that they don't like. Rivalries often start because of jealousy, comedy politics (more on that later), or one party thought a joke was stolen. I've seen and heard about actual hands being laid upon other comedians for these very reasons.

I'm gonna tell you about mine.

When I started doing comedy back in 2009, I called so many places looking for stage time. Getting actual stage time is one of the hardest things to do as a comedian. Especially when you're new and live outside of LA. I was referred by a fellow comedian to call a dude by the name of "Tennessee Tony" that booked a show at a club in LA. After asking how I could get some time on his show, he informed me that it was a basic "bringer" show. Meaning if I could bring 5 people I'd get 5 minutes onstage. If I brought more people, I'd get more time. I told Tennessee that I lived about an hour away and it would be too hard for me to bring that many people out on a Monday night. He understood but still invited me to at least come check out the show. Cool guy!

As luck would have it, I ran into Tennessee at an open mic a few days later. When he got onstage people started leaving. I'd find out why later. He did a 40 minute set primarily riffing off the top of his head about how since he's been out in California, he's been disappointed by so many of his idols he met in person. Most of his disappointment came from the fact that a lot of Black entertainers don't help each other out once they're in a position to do so. He went on and on saying if he ever made it he'd give brothers a chance. I was so impressed with his rant that I went up to him to give the obligatory "nice set." I introduced myself by saying I was the comic that just spoke to him on the phone a few days ago. He laughed and said he understood how hard it is to do comedy outside of LA and that if I wanted, I could come down next week to do 5 minutes. I thanked him and he shot me a Hollywood wink and pound saying "I got you."

I was only doing comedy a few months at the time, so I was excited to perform at an actual club! I was so excited I wrote an entirely new 5 minute set. Most comedians will tell you 5 minutes don't come easy and they don't. It can sometime take months to hone 5 minutes. I busted my ass all week writing that 5 minute set.

When the next Monday finally rolled around I was more than ready. I took one of my good friends with me and we headed off in Monday traffic to the club. As I got inside, I waited to catch Tennessee Tony alone to thank him again for the 5 minute set. When I did, this dude flashed on me on some Ike Turner type shit! "FIVE MINUTES?! Nigga fuck that, you gettin' THREE!" Then turned his back and walked off.

Ho...ly....shit! I immediately started sweating. My heart began to race. Was this dude really trying to play me backstage in front of other comedians? I almost grabbed that fool by his neck,  but I didn't. It happened so fast I was in shock. Then I realized I was the second comedian up and now had to quickly try and edit my 5 minute set down to 3. A set I worked so hard on all week. I had no time to choke this fruitcake out. Stage time was more important.

The show started. Luckily, the host Tennessee Tony lived up to his reputation of being a buster by doing 30 minutes to open the show and another 10 minutes of material in between each comedian. I'm not exaggerating! By the time I actually got up my head was still spinning that I let another grown man speak to me like that. My 3 minutes came and went. I respected the light and got off right on time. I could've ran the light, but unlike Tennessee I actually thought about the other comedians on the line up that  brought people out on a Monday night to see them perform.

The show ended and me and my homie went to the Roscoe's down the street. Atfer we finished eating and laughing what about happened, I spotted Tennessee sitting in a booth with a few other comics. I went over to bury the hatchet. As I stood over him I thanked him for the 3 minutes and asked about the misunderstanding. Without looking at me he stated "yeah, whateva, nigga" and took a bite of his food. All without ever even looking in my direction. That cemented it. This fruitcake proved himself to be exactly that. A fruitcake.

To this day he is the only person, comedian or not, that I honestly do not like.

On to the review! I've been seeing people posting about these Doritos Roulette chips the past few weeks. I finally got to try them! upon first bite I was kinda concerned wondering how hot they would be. First bite, regular Dorito flavor. Nothing special. So then, as I usually eat chips, I grabbed a few fingers full and shoved them into my mouth. Gradually the heat began to build up, but nothing crazy. I'd say they're just about the same level as flaming hot cheetos, but the heat doesn't linger as long. The hotter chips have an almost Tabasco flavored undernote.

Not bad, but nothing special. 3.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Anything to impress a girl you're interested in. Even if that means going to a gay club...in SAN FRANCISCO!

The girl that would eventually become my ex-girlfriend invited me to accompany her on a business trip to San Francisco after two months of dating. She also invited her gay friend "Jim," or as my future ex-girlfriend called him, her "sassy" friend.

Her sassy friend Jim was celebrating a birthday that weekend. Unbeknownst to me, the plans that night were to go to the hottest gay club in a city known for it's gay population.

Once we arrived, I realized immediately we were at a male friendly club because not only was everybody in line male (not unusual for any club), but the door man was a hairy, bare chested, bald headed, mustachioed man in leather pants. Not stereotyping, but something just screamed "gay club" to me.  I wasn't wrong by a long shot!

Walking into the club, I was a little on guard. I'd never been to an all male club where all the guys were interested in each other.  I'm not judgemental nor do I have a problem or ill will toward the LGBT community. Every human deserves respect. That being said, I was still nervous as hell once I went to the restroom and noticed the walls were made of transparent glass! I can say I pee'd in an invisible restroom in front of hundreds of gay men...in San Francisco. Shy bladder? Apparently not!

By nature, I'm very inquisitive. I like to learn about and experience different cultures and ways of life. After a few (5) drinks and a couple (4) of shots I loosened up a bit, and loosened the tremendously powerful headlock I had had around my future ex-girlfriend's arm. I actually started to have an amazing time!

I gotta say gay dudes in their own safe environment know how to have a good time! I danced with my future ex-girlfriend the whole time to some of the best music I've ever heard in a club without worrying about my eyes wandering, politely turned down several offers to have drinks bought for me, and realized the difference between a "what's up" head nod and a "whaaat's uuuup" head nod between dudes are surprisingly similar...much to my chagrin.

All in all the night was memorable and I had a newfound respect and understanding for those with a different lifestyle other than my own. I got super drunk,  met some really good people, made out with the hottest and ONLY girl in the club, and got my ass slapped anonymously...karma from my dunken hands at college parties in my youth...can't be mad at that!

Anyway...these are the best healthy alternative chips I've had in a long time! These are delicious! Made from kale, sweet potatoes, and other vegetables but without that stale bland "healthy taste." The flavor is korean bbq,  but upon first bite I get a sweet-spicy-smokey flavor with just a hint of sweet potato aftertaste. It works! These are low in fat/carbs and is a great option for your cheat day or that occasional need for something salty and crunchy when dieting. 4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I've had a few punk ass jobs. One of, if not THE worst job I ever had was when I worked at the downtown Riverside public library when I was 16. It freakin' sucked!

After school Monday through Thursday and the occassional Saturday, I'd work the longest 4 hours I'd ever work in life. My days consisted of doing all the shit librarians didn't, which was basically everything. Organizing entire sections of the library, checking in returned books, putting books on the shelves back in alphabetical order...wack shit. The absolute worse thing the weirdo librarians had me do was kick out the homeless people that would often go upstairs to read a book but would actually be napping. Most of the homeless were good people and never caused any disturbances. Usually they would go upstairs to a nice air conditioned reading cubicle in the corner and inconspicuously sleep. I never had the heart to kick any of them out.

The libriarians were the actual menace. One of the other library pages (my official title) caught one jacking off in the film room. Dude was never fired! After that incident I always called him "the jack of all trades." He never liked that very much. Buster ass weirdo.

My employment finally came to an end when I caught a cold and called off one Saturday. When I nonchalantly returned 3 weeks later, the creepy librarians ambushed me. The head weirdo called me into her office and handed me a letter without saying a word. Inside was my first pink slip. I knew the librarians were introverted non confrontational people, so I took this opportunity to give one of my best acting performance of all time! It was reminiscent of Denzel Washington's "King Kong aint got shit on me" soliloquy years before Training Day was released. I was inches away from throwing something just to further freak her out. I wasn't even mad! I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to freak out one of the strange librarians one last time. One of my proudest moments began with an intense "Oh so y'all trying to fire me" and ended with a menacingly smooth "you can't fire me 'cause I quit!" It's still a warm memory for me.

Anyway, these chips are WACK!  See the marvelous red color? Well, it's strictly decoration because these chips have an extremely subdued flavor. You barely taste the the red pepper or any other flavor that's advertised. Good tortilla chip with that excellent Tostito texture, but why even bother to flavor them with barely detectable ingredients? 2.5 outta 5 on the chipmack scale.

The year is 1996. Young teen Todd is sitting in a Denny's booth with several of his associates on a late Saturday night. The buzzing on his hip alerts him to ignore his "moons over my hammy" for a few seconds as he pulls a small black box out of his pocket. As he presses the small grey button to reveal the phone number, he utters the phrase "this chick blowin' me up" in an effort to prove to his associates he is indeed a young man much admired and in demand by the ladies. He cooly exits the booth and fluidly strolls to the payphone located next to the motorized claw arcade game. He dials the number and as all young pimps do, he states into the phone's receiver "Hi mom...yeah, I'm at Denny's..."

The pager days! We didn't have cell phones like that back then. It was all about pagers and payphones when you were out in these streets trying to make it. Whether for business or romance, it was all about that pager life! So much so, that we even developed codes to use so payphones weren't always necessary. We were "texting" years before texting was even a thing.

We even had pager codes to identify who was calling if we were calling from an unrecognizable number. If you played sports, it was probably your jersey number. If you were a girl from Moreno Valley, it was probably #69. My code was #187 because when people saw it, they'd ALWAYS call me right away. ALWAYS.

Anyway, these Salsa Pringles are great! Excellent texture of a corn chip that supports the slightly tangy, salty, zesty flavors of salsa. Pringles are notorious for being inconsistent with the level of seasoning depending on which can you randomly happen to purchase. Regardless, the three cans I had were all delicious. 4.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale!

It's that time of year! All gyms across the country will be packed with new members with New Year resolutions of FINALLY getting in shape. It was the best time of year when I was a personal trainer. My pesos turned to pennies!

I've had some pretty amazing clients throughout my 5 year tenure as a 24 Hour Fitness Trainer Fit Pro, but there was one that topped them all.

She came to me by chance one day for one of her two free training sessions that members get when they enroll at the gym. This lady was overweight, out of shape, and very nervous about training with a strange dude. Not uncommon for a new potential client. She complained the entire time. Everything was too hard, too heavy, too many reps. I didn't look forward to training her to say the least. After our second session I gave her my regular "spiel." "I'll give you everything you need to change your life. I recommend x amount of sessions to reach your goal. If you really want it, we can get you there together." I've said it thousands of times, but I meant it every single time I said it.

She signed up for 10 sessions. I trained her 2 times a week for five weeks. Every session I taught her what exercises did what and why. We'd discuss how her diet was going and we'd make changes. 5 weeks later she lost 12 lbs. and was no longer nervous to train on her own!

Over the course of a few years she'd come back to train with me every few months. Sometimes in training packages of 5 sessions once a week. Sometimes in training packages 20 sessions twice a week for 10 weeks. Over all of these sessions we had many ups and downs. Weigh ins where she gained a pound after busting her butt in the gym and counting every calorie. There were tears shed and hugs given. We got to know each other very personally. She eventually became like family, not just a client.

The complaining gradually stopped with each week. Soon she became my best client. There wasn't any exercise I couldn't put her through...no matter how exotic or difficult! The time came for her to go on her own. For good.

After not seeing her for a few months, I recieved a package at the gym. Enclosed was a picture of my client in a two piece bikini on the beach in Hawaii with a very heartfelt letter attached. She looked amazing! She looked happy! I had goosebumps and my eyes began to tear. I could never imagine this shy homely looking middle aged lady becoming a confident fitness powerhouse that totally changed her life and her lifestyle! She gave me the confidence that my "spiel" was true. My "spiel" could be powerful. She was my best client. Ever.

On to the review! I grabbed these at my local GNC picking up some protein powder. Upon first bite, the texture got me more than anything. These chips are very thin. Good crunch, but dissolves into a semi-powdery substance in your mouth. The bbq flavor isn't bad, but because these chips are made from milk products, there is an unmistakable "milkish protein powder" after taste that any protein shake consumer knows all too well. Cool product because of the whopping 21 grams of protein, but not the best chip if you want a quick snack. Great for those on a pre-contest diet, but because of the taste, I'm giving these a 2.75 outta 5 on the chipmack scale.

Oh yes, the phrase that brings butterflies to my stomach because I've heard it too many times before. Hey dog, you need to check your girl! I used to have a penchant for loud mouthed ("feisty") broads. They would bring a certain excitement to my life. Besides, I was impervious to most of their bitchery. My verbally reckless female companions would soon learn that Todd didn't play that shit, so eventually they learned not to cross the line with me. I'd never get violent, that was never even an option due to my pacifistic nature and growing up with two little sisters. I'd simply just out crazy them. Trust me, that was a sight to behold! I deserve a few Oscars for those performances.

All of my fighting crazy with crazy didn't stop them from unleashing their fury on other people. Especially other dudes. Especially other dudes WAY bigger than me.

I once went to a club with my girlfriend that had 5 too many lemon drops. Lemon drop martinis had the same effect on her as gamma radiation had on David Banner...catastrophe and destruction was soon to follow. She felt it in her duty to go up to a group of guys and tell them how corny they were dancing. They were crip walking. Legitimately crip walking, not "c" walking . There's a difference. She was a genius. 

A dude saw me coming and yelled "Hey... you need to check yo girl. For real cuz." Checking commenced immediately and we got the fuck out of there. Unscathed.

She actually mouthed off to a "cop" in Mexico on a 10 speed with a glock on his hip. Yelling at him in Spanish! He tried to shake me down for $300 for talking on my cell phone while driving. I don't know what he said to me in Spanish as she was going ape shit but I'm sure it was along the lines of "checking my girl." I checked her all the way to the border. That broad gave me an asthma attack. Amazingly, the "cop" caught up to us before crossing and gave me my money back. He must've thought she was somebody important's daughter they way she yelled at him in his native language. Sometimes "feisty" broads can come in handy.

Anyway...these chips were somewhat of a let down.  Upon first bite, I get a strong vinegary peppery flavor with no heat and very little ranch flavor. I had high hopes because I enjoyed the Pringles buffalo flavor so much. These are good, but not as consistently balanced flavor wise. A good chip, but could've been much better. 3 outta 5 on the chipmack scale.

The year was 1994. It was the fall of my Senior year in high school.  This year would go down in infamy as the year a young Chipmack would get played by who would become his arch ememy...the Cheeseburger Pimp.

After a typical high school day of eating flaming hot cheetos and turning down a few hyna's invitations to "scam,"  me and my cronies would head down the McDonald's up the street.  Famished, and with only two dollars and a few nickels and dimes in my Raiders starter jacket, I had just enough to get two McDonald's cheeseburgers.  When you're starving from only eating a bag of hot cheetos and drinking two grape Snapples the whole day, two hot punk-ass McDonald's cheeseburgers might as well be a porterhouse steak from Mastro's. I was looking forward to sinking my teeth into them to say the least.

The visor wearing big tittied girl behind the counter calls my number.  I anxiously but smoothly as a young Billy Dee Williams grab the tray and head back to the booth to reconnect with my jnco jean wearing associates. I open the first wrapper...FUCK! To my horror it was just two buns and melted cheese! I open the second wrapper to the same emotionally draining revelation of meatless malady.  I was pissed. Hurt. Filled with rage.

I walk up to the counter and I see him. Laughing. A dude that I had no love for and that had no love for me. High school beef was real. He played me. Played me hard. I refused to order another cheeseburger in fear that he'd rub his nuts on the patty...or worse...rub his nuts on the patty AND the bun. Going to the manager also wasn't an option because I wasn't then nor am I now "bitch-made." I took that loss. But I have never forgotten. I never will.

Anyway....these Stax cheeseburger flavored chips are aiiight.  Upon first bite, I get a pickly cheesey mustardy oniony taste with a mellow undertone of something that I guess can be described as "meaty."  These remind me EXACTLY of McDonald's cheeseburgers.  Not bad, not great, but definitely snackable. 3 outta 5 on the chipmack scale.

I began training Brazilian (Gracie) jiu jitsu 8 yrs ago as a means of varying my workout. I hate cardio! I needed a way to stay active that I enjoyed enough to be consistent with it. I was looking for a boxing club, but I stumbled upon an ad for a Royce Gracie school instead. Thank God I did!

Jiu jitsu has not only kept me in good shape, but has given me friendships and life lessons money can't buy. These gifts were given to me only by sacrificing countless hours, blood, pain, and sweat on the mat.

One lesson in particular I recalled the other day training with some friends. I don't compete often. Training under Royce is definitely not geared towards points and tournaments. But I have from time to time for fun.

The last tournament I did was a year ago or so against a very tough, stocky guy. As the match began, I was very hesitant. Looking to stay away from his hips so I wouldn't be thrown into oblivion. The feeling each other out went on for what felt like 15 mins...it was only a few moments until he blitzed me. He charged me with a. double leg takedown. Sending us both 3 mats over and on top of some other competitors. We restarted in my guard. I looked for his collar. Got it! Sneaked my other hand in to finish the choke. Got it again! As I'm watching his lips turn purple (that's why I love chokes...you can tell when its working), I relax...big mistake! He pushed his forearm against my face (the dreaded crossface) causing me to let go of the choke. He stands to pass my guard.

As we both stand up, I look at the timer. Only a few seconds remain! To my surprise, they gave him points for the earlier takedown out of bounds! With a sense of urgency, I drop to his legs securing a sweep. I sweep him, and attempt to mount for the win! As I get up to mount, he beat me to it. I came up too wide and was out of position. My opponent then grabs my pants, throws my legs, and secures north south position as time expires.

I learned two inportant lessons. One, keep my head next to my opponent when choking! Two, when things look their bleakest...you ALWAYS have options! My choke has since gotten better, and my spirit calmer in times of distress.

On to the review! Upon first bite, these are almost indistinguishable from the Jacked Cheesy Enchilada flavor I reviewed a while back. Very zesty with strong overnotes of sour cream and chili powder. Being from California...our street tacos don't have sour cream or cheese on them. I was hoping Doritos would stay true and give us a flavor with more onion, beef, hot sauce, cilantro...etc. Alas, it's only a name, and these are still pretty good! 3.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

As a bonus to you guys...you can see the match I described above here: NABJJF Match

Milli Vanilli was the shit. Girl You Know It's True, Blame It On The Rain, Girl I'm Gonna Miss You....you couldn't turn on the radio or the t.v. in 1990 without seeing or hearing Rob or Fab running around the stage or giving each other flying chest bumps. They rocked the braids five years before Brandy. They made spandex popular for (some) guys fifteen years before Under Armor. Rob and Fab were true pioneers.  Unfortunately, they will always be remembered for fakin' the funk.  You see, it turns out they were lip syncing the entire time.  How silly were we to not realize that although they sang in perfect English on their records, you could barely understand their broken English in interviews? Poor Milli Vanilli. People were pissed. The public began burning records. Late night talk show hosts parodying them any chance they got. I almost felt bad for them...until they tried to sing for real at the press conference. Google it....its fucking hilarious.

Anyway, I was skeptical because of my varied experience with jalapeno flavored anything. Luckily, my skepticism was put to rest.  These are the real deal!  Upon first bite, I get a gloriously fresh "green" flavor of jalapeno. I mean it tastes like an actual fresh jalapeno!  A nice medium to sharp cheddar flavor supports the flavors of potato, salt, and jalapeno beautifully.  I'm also diggin' the texture of these. Very solid crunch yet crumbles fairly easy.  4.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Lay's played it safe on this one. How can you go wrong with bacon and cheese anything? You can't. Bacon is a gift from God. Bacon is the reason we look forward to breakfast. Bacon is also the reason there has been an epidemic of white chicks with big bootys. Gotta love that calorically dense food!

These are good...but nothing special. Upon first bite, I'm surprised at how mellow the flavors are. There isn't a flavor "pop" like I was expecting. I get a very subtle smoky bacon-y flavor reminiscent of bacon grease (in a good way) along with an undernote of very mild cheddar. They're good...but very safe. You'll enjoy these but they won't rock your world.  4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Wasabi is the shit, son! I love that teary eyed sinus burning rush you get when it hits the back of your throat just right. I mix it in my soy sauce when eating sushi (a faux pas but fuck it...I thug out like that). I make a BOMB onion ring sauce by mixing wasabi, ketchup, and mayonaise. Try it...I promise you'll thank me for that recipe! Wasabi...the magical root.

Due to my love of wasabi, I was anxious to try these. Upon first bite, I get the distinct albeit mellow burn of wasabi followed by a succinct and complimentary ginger flavor bridged together perfectly with a subtle soy sauce flavor. You get two different burns...one in the back of your throat from the wasabi, then one on the front of your tongue from the ginger. The burn is extremely gentle, making these chips more enjoyable for everyone. The soy sauce is the Jam Master Jay to the Wasabi and Ginger's Run DMC. These chips are addicting! Definitely a chip that stands by itself and should be eaten alone. 4.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I'll try anything once. In all of my adventures as The Chip Mack I've never not finished a bag of chips. These may be the first. I think the Mango Salsa flavor is Lay's middle finger to the public so we can learn NEVER to ask them to put a fruit flavor on a potato chip EVER again.

Upon first bite...forget that...upon opening the bag the aroma of mango hit me in the face like that dude hit Snooki at the club. Incredibly strong mango flavor up front although there is a nice subtlety of spice underneath. The first bite was repulsive. The second bites were better as the mango flavor subsided and the notes of onion and tomato ventured more to the forefront of my palate. After awhile however, these tatse like bbq chips with mango flavored candy on top. I did not enjoy these. 1.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I'm not a super fan of coffee. Don't get me wrong, I like it, but I'm sensitive to caffeine and shit. It makes me jittery, and I swear it makes girls taste funny. Think the opposite effect of pineapple juice and I think you'll catch my drift. So ladies, if your man ain't (rhymes with "beating you out"), you may wanna lay off the Starbucks. And please don't fret, I won't be doing a coochie taste test review site anytime soon...Im just saying.

Anyway, this flavor is the first I'm trying of the 2014 Lay's Do Us A Flavor contest. Cappuccino! Upon first bite, I get an amazingly accurate, almost overwhelming taste of the coffee flavor follwed by an equally strong taste of cinnamon with hints of brown sugar and a buttery finish. I'm guessing the cinnamon is so strong to balance out the strong coffee flavor. Surprisingly, these flavors work well on a chip. These taste almost identical to the Chicken and Waffle flavor last year. Just replace the chicken flavor with coffee and you have Lay's Cappuccino flavored potato chips. I liked them more than I thought I would, but theses lack "re-eatability."  2.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

On the advice of a friend, I tried these. I've seen these Ruffles Fries for a while. Like a tan girl in booty shorts with a pony tail, they caught my eye, but I figured there'd always be time to try them later. Procrastination, my biggest enemy. There are so many pony-tailed big booty chicks I should've hollered at but didn't because I waited.  Girl with the lip gloss in front of me in Albertsons, I'm sorry. It's my fault you missed out on a chance to meet all this man.  These chips could've fell along those lines too.  I'm glad my friend nudged me enough to want to go out and try them!

These are pretty good! Upon first bite, these are a lot more zestier than I imagined. immediately I get hints of garlic and onion flavors along with fantastic sharp cheddar cheese holding it all together. That's a potato chip secret, dress up your flavors with shit you know compliments your main flavor. The cheese is Michael Jordan...the garlic and onion...Scottie Pippen. The texture is a lot more solid than Chester's Fries, providing a good crunch but not so rough that it shreds the inside of your mouth.  The back of the bag suggests you try them hot. I did. The flavors definitely pop more when heated in the microwave. 4 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

My taste test of the Doritos Test flavors is now complete. There is no contest....the Test Flavor 855 is by far the winner!   Although they left my clothes covered in red powder and constantly answering the question "What's up Blood?" all day, I super enjoyed these.

Upon first bite, I get a spicy vinegary flavor with a superbly deliciously smooth sour cream essence followed by a mellow spicy kick. If I had to guess the flavor it'd be loaded spicy taco. These almost taste like a cross between the Jacked Enchilada and Buffalo Ranch flavors.  GREAT flavors that hit you like a jab-elbow-uppercut combo.  Just make sure to bite these with your eyes closed because they are so heavily seasoned the powder gets everywhere....including your eyes. I learned that the hard way.  3.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I'm afraid of monsters and shit. There, I've said it out loud. A fear that has stuck with me since childhood.  It's not a paralyzing fear, but I'm always cautious when entering a dark kitchen late at night for a midnight snack. When washing my face alone late at night in the shower, I rinse my face as fast as I can see if a monster hand is trying to grab me. Sleeping with my bare feet off the edge of the bed? Hell no! I've also kicked in a few doors when coming home late at night and I've forgotten to leave lights on. Don't get me wrong, I know monsters don't exist, but I'm not gonna get caught slipping just in case.  Just in case.

Anyway, these new Bacon and Cheddar Ruffles are the SHIT!  The chip is thicker to handle the deeper ridges. Because of the thicker texture, there's a heavier potato flavor that perfectly compliments the bacon and cheddar flavor.  I was also pleasantly surprised to see and taste the specks of green onion on the chip.  Great texture, nicely seasoned with great flavors,  great chip! 5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale!

I miss having crushes on bitches. It's been so long! I don't know if it's something you grow out of, or if it's just a matter of not being exposed to "crush worthy" chicks as often as when you're in school. Either way, I miss it! I miss the mystery of that special one person that you've had your eye on for some time. Hiding in the bushes, trying to find out her name, seeing where she lives and works....ahhh....the good old days.

Anyway,  these chips have my mind in a knot. Let's start with the blue bag known as Test Flavor 2653. Upon first bite I get an immediate intense smoke flavor with bbq like spices. The finish is noticeably sweet with a mellow spicy kick. I don't know, these taste like a unique bbq flavor to me. Nothing too special.  Looking at the ingredients to give me a hint; I see chocolate liqueur, cocoa powder, natural bacon type flavor.  Are these supposed to be molé flavored?! Because a good portion of my rating is how well the advertised flavor is recreated on the chip,  I can only rate based on pure flavor and enjoyment because I have no idea what these are. 3.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Now for the yellow bag aka Test Flavor 404. Upon first bite I get a MAJOR kick of ginger. These are obviously Asian inspired.  I don't know what the flavor is supposed to be, but I taste a deliciously strong ginger note up front with finishes of onion and very well balanced citrus flavors. Although ginger is not listed in the ingredients,  I taste it. It's real to me damnit!  Again, because I don't know what this flavor is I'm basing my rating on pure taste and enjoyment.  These are unique and unlike anything I've ever tasted. It's a cool experience,  but they get a little too "citrusy" for my taste after a few bites. 3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I've never been a cheater nor have I cheated, but I understand how a dude can have a mistress. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's right, but I understand how the situation can happen.  A man can love two completely different women for two completely different reasons. Consider yourself lucky if you find that "one" that is your everything. That's very rare...but I hope to find that one day.  Either way, no mistresses for me. I'm the type of guy that would break up with a chick if my heart isn't true. But some guys prefer to have their cake and eat it too. Yeah...I know...I'm poetic and shit.

Anyway...these are both the SHIT SON!  I was strolling through the chip aisle as always and these caught my eye. Pringles took my idea...again!  I always thought Pringles should do a tortilla chip, and they've succeeded.

The Southwestern Ranch flavor is EXACTLY what my tastebuds imagine when I hear "southwest." Zesty creamy cool flavors with a kick of mild smoked peppers.

The Nacho cheese flavor gaffled their flavor from the chip that is the epitome of what we know a nacho cheese chip to be...Doritos! Great texture with the perfect balance of corn/nacho cheese flavors. I eat like 4 at a time because I'm a thug like that.

I love them both.  No need to cheat. I'm in a polyamorous relationship with these chips. Great flavors, lovely texture... 5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

I had a reputation for being a tough guy in the 2nd grade...completely by accident. Growing up in the early 80's,  kung fu movies were the shit! All of us kids would kick and punch the shit out of each other trying to recreate stuff we saw on Kung Fu theatre hosted by John Saxon the previous weekend.  My buddy Tyrone and I had some EPIC sparring matches at lunch time. Kids would gather around and cheer us on...only fueling our intensity and willingness to try crazier shit. The crowd was going berserk! With the energy from the crowd, I somehow accomplished what every kung fu watching kid dreamed of...I flipped Tyrone over! Unfortunately for Tyrone,  it was on concrete.  Unfortunately for me, it was in front of a teacher. Tyrone cried. I felt like shit. The teacher came over, looked me in my face and exclaimed "You bad." I went to school in L.A....this teacher was too hood to use "you're."

A few days later later Tyrone tried to rebuild his reputation. He dared me to hit him in front of a raucous crowd of 7 year olds to prove he wouldn't cry. I hit him in the mouth, knocking his loose front tooth out in the process. He cried...again. With blood everywhere the crowd went silent.  I felt awful but I had to play it off like I meant to do it and that I was the baddest man on the planet if anyone else wanted to fuck with me....because of how stupid I didn't want to look and how dumb I really felt on the inside for hurting my friend.

Luckily I left my sordid past behind me when I moved to Riverside in the 3rd grade where I would gain a new reputation as....the black kid.

Anyway...these chips are aiiight. Good texture just like the other deep ridge Ruffles, but the flavor is slightly off and isn't strong enough. These chips could use more heat, more "vinegary" flavor,  and more zest. After a few chips they're pretty bland. Decent chip, but could be so much better. 3.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

One day many years ago I was blessed with a surprise visitor on my day off. One of my nearest and dearest homies graced me with his presence on a glorious rainy day. As I let him in my house I was curious as to why he was still in his Walter's Mercedes uniform and at my door so early. He told me that he was moving an $80,000 Mercedes-Benz in the lot and end up brushing up against the side of a wall. He was reprimanded but wasn't written up. An accident is an accident right? Well....there's more. Less than an hour later my good friend was backing up a brand new expensive luxury car and hit another brand new expensive luxury car. His manager was pretty pissed at this point and said if it happens again to not even bother coming back to work.  A short time later that same day, after his manager's warning, my dear old buddy was moving another very expensive car, a Porsche...with a manual transmission....in the rain, and wouldn't you know it? A damn expensive (parked) Mercedes came outta nowhere and stayed put just enough (parked) for my buddy to slam this expensive Porsche right into the side of it.  Damn parked cars. They sneak up on ya'. My homie then casually got out of the car, walked to his car without saying anything to anyone, and drove off...straight to my house. Surprisingly without causing anymore damage on the way out! You can tally up the tens of thousands of dollars in damages my pal caused. I sure as hell did in order to bestow a nickname on my friend. As of that day he was known as the $57,000 Man.

Just like I was surprised to see my buddy at my doorstep that day, I was super surprised at how much I enjoyed these new Chile Limon Funyons. I don't usually fuck with Limon flavored anything because its often too tart and ruins the flavor for me. Not these! Its amazing how perfectly balanced Frito Lay's flavors are.  These  chips are packed with flavor and aren't hot at all, I was expecting some heat,  but  even without the heat these are delicious!  The onion is a great base on which the zesty chile flavored is complimented with the perfect hint of lime. I almost didn't buy these because I've been disappointed with chile/lime combos before. I'm glad I went back into that Rubidoux Shell gas station. I wasn't disappointed and neither will you be. 4.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Double dating isn't something I've done often.  Usually it can be disastrous because one couple is always trying to out do the other.  But with the right company, it can be amazing! Let me take you back to 1996. The setting, a miniature golf course in the Inland Empire. My homie and this chick he was messin' with wanted me to meet her friend. We all meet up at the golf course and decide to make it a battle of the sexes. Shit was getting kind of boring so I decide to place a few wagers on the holes. "Ok, if I make this hole in one y'all gotta ride home with no shirts." Luckily these young ladies were from Moreno Valley. Moreno Valley girls were notorious for their "recklessly amorous" nature. I hit the ball. The ball hits several walls, bounces off of a light, and goes right into the hole. We laughed but our female companions eloquently stated "nah nigga...we gotta get that back!  Next hole, if you miss it y'all gotta ride back with no pants!" We agreed, but I added the stipulation that if I made it, the girls had to ride back in just their underwear. Next hole...another hole in one. The girls wanted double or nothing again. By this point, I was feeling unstoppable and started calling out shots. "Off the statues foot, off that wall, into the hole." I took my next shot and I shit you not...hole in one...just like I called it.

Long story short, me and my homie rode back in my step dad's Oldsmobile with 2 half naked chicks to the Stop n' Go on Sunnymead because our female companions requested Thunderbird and cherry Kool-Aide. The rest of the night included breaking in to the Lake Perris campgrounds by flying over a curb, driving to a Motel 6 then not doing anything because I found out my date was in a few porno movies (this was later confirmed...she was in the "Just don't bite it" series. I can't make this shit up). That freaked me out and I don't regret not hooking up with her even though she was pretty hot.


Anyway....these chips are amazing!  Just like my double date I had no expectations but was pleasantly surprised with the outcome. These have a taste reminiscent of Funyons but with the perfect texture of a kettle chip done right. These  chips are crunchy without that hard, overcooked texture a lot of kettle chips have. Perfect salty, oniony, crispy goodness. 4.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

Walking through Fresh and Easy I spotted a 2 for $5 sign and grabbed what I thought were two bags of Vinegar and Sea Salt chips. As I took a bite my taste buds felt ambushed. “WHOA…shit, what are these?” I had to see what this was in my mouth. I grabbed the bag and realized these were MALT Vinegar and Sea Salt Kettle Chips, and boy is it a huge difference! Upon first bite I got that deep, rich, complex, unmistakable malt vinegar flavor with just the right amount of salt. The texture is perfect for a kettle chip. The gripe I have with most kettle chips is that they are way too hard. These are crunchier and slightly thicker, but not too hard where your teeth and gums pay the price. Way better than your average salt and vinegar chip. I went back and bought another bag! 4.5 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.

While walking through Sprouts with my cousin Gina (G-nut) on her quest to make the most epic gluten free spaghetti, we spotted these Kimchi flavored chips. I’ve tried Kimchi in the past, so I’ve learned not to fuck with Kimchi in my present or future. Not a fan. But I will eat it from time to time if I’m in the presence of a hot Korean chick hoping to catch her eye so she can see how down I am (insert winky face here). These actually aren’t that bad. They accurately recreated the taste of Kimchi without it being overpowering. A spicy vinegary-fermented cabbage note upon first bite with a smooth toasted sesame seed finish. Nice spice but not hot. If you like Kimchi you’ll love these. I don’t, but I’m still giving these a 3.75 outta 5 on the chip mack scale for execution.

These salty ass chips remind me of salty ass dudes. You know the type. The dude always trying to “throw salt” on your relationship to fuck it up. Ive had my share. I’d like to recognize a few….Shout out to the ENTIRE 1997 Riverside City College men’s basketball team that didn’t like that I was dating the cutest chick on the female team. Especially you, blonde ass nigga (Sisqo was popular at the time, lame dudes are copy cats) that decided to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek in front of me and when I pushed him he wanted to hug it out. Shout out to that dude that showed my girlfriend his weiner at lunch….it didn’t work. Unfortunately for the both of us it turns out she was apathetic towards any one’s weiner, mine included. Shout out to the chick (she looked like a dude…it counts) that loudly proclaimed “Todd aint shit…I like real niggas….darkskinned niggas with nappy goatees and dreadlocks” in front of about 50 clueless people that wondered why this Tracy Chapman looking chick was so overcome with emotion when someone gave my a girlfriend a compliment about me.

Anyway…these chips are about as salty as the people I just recognized in the paragraph above. Upon first bite, I get an amalgamation of salt and spices. Thats it. No balance. No separation of distinct flavors. Good crunch though. 3 outta 5 on the chip mack scale.